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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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There are people out there
trying to rewrite our history.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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These are a dangerous people.
They'll say anything to be legitimized.
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Someday, some little Latina
with a big mouth
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is gonna read a few books
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and convince themselves
they contributed to our country.
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Now pray that those falsehoods
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don't seep into the fabric
of this fine nation.
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Because if they do, God help us all.
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[man] Stand up, ladies and gentlemen.
John Leguizamo!
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[cheering and applause]
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♪ Sister ♪
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No, no, no, no, settle down.
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Settle down. No, no, settle down.
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Settle down.
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We got a lot of work to do here tonight,
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and I got very little time to do it
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'cause I gotta undo
your whole education…
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and the entire way you think,
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and it's not gonna be easy
'cause that shit's in there deep.
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The only reason I'm telling you this
is because about a year ago,
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my life was going so goddamn great.
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I was on tour all summer,
and I come home, and, uh…
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I get to my son's room,
and I hear the bed going…
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[makes creaking sounds]
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"Buddy, I'm coming in.
I'm opening the door."
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[imitates hinges creaking]
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And there he is, just jumping on the bed,
playing some Western video game,
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going, "Yippee-ay-yay-ki-ay.
Shoot those red bastards."
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"Shoot those savages. Pow, pow."
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And I'm like, "Whoa, Buddy.
You can't say that, man."
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"But why not, Dad?"
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"'Cause, honey, we're those red bastards.
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We Latin people are mostly Indian, man."
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"No, Dad, no. You're the red bastard
and the beaner, not me.
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That's why I don't let you pick me up
from school anymore."
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So then I find out that my son
is being bullied at school
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by one of his eighth-grade classmates.
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It starts in the schoolyard
when they're playing cops and robbers,
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and the little punk says to my son,
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"You beaners can't be cops.
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I oughta know. I come from a long line of
captains and generals from the Civil War,
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so you better start running away so I can
shoot you in the back, ya beaner.
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Pow, pow."
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So, that little shit…
had the cojones to call my son a beaner.
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Now, this wasn't supposed to happen to us
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because he goes
to a very fancy private school,
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and I've worked hard to be respectable.
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[chuckling]
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Fuck you.
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[raucous laughter]
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So, yo, how is it that my son
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is going through the same
racial rite of passages I did?
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So I go to my wife for advice,
and my wife is Jewish,
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so she's very intolerant of intolerance.
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So she makes me
go talk to the little shit's dad,
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so now I have to accidentally on purpose
bump into him at drop-off.
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"Excuse me, Mr. Jackson.
I didn't see you standing there.
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Hey, look, while I have you, um…
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your kid called my son a name.
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If he's gonna call my son names,
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he should at least call him
by his proper slur
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'cause beaners are for Mexicans.
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My son's actually
a spic-greaseball-hebe-kike, okay?"
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The little shit's dad turns to me,
"John, I'm terribly sorry.
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I had no idea my boy
had called your son a beaner.
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But, hey, at least he didn't call him
a wetback, right, John?
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[chuckles]
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What, John? What? I'm not a racist, John.
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John, my family donates
to the diversity program every year, John.
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I come from a long, long line
of philanthropreneurs."
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"Oh, yeah? I come from a long line, too.
A long line of people who, um--
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You know, yo, diversity?
Yo, how you sound, man?
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You know me, huh?
You know me? You know me? Huh?"
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[applause]
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Oh, fuck, man.
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Fuck, man, I lost my shit.
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I didn't even have
a good goddamn comeback.
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And, yo, I'm from the fucking 'hood, baby.
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[crowd cheers]
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But not my son, no. My son
is one of those super-super-sweet shy kids
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with an IQ seven points short of genius.
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He's the first one they ask for homework
and the last one they ask to the dance.
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And that's why I felt extra-guilty
I didn't have a comeback to defend my son.
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But how could I, man?
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I didn't have heroes like captains or
generals, growing up, from the Civil War.
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No Latin ones, anyway.
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And where should I have learned that shit?
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Holla, New York City
public-school system.
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So, yo, in order to help my son…
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I realized that I was gonna have to
get to the root of my problem -
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feeling like a second-class citizen, so…
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I started flashing back through my life,
to my child-- back in time.
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♪ Tear the roof off ♪
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♪ We're gonna tear the roof off
the mother, sucker ♪
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♪ Tear the roof off the sucker ♪
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And boom - I hit the '70s.
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There I am coming home
from school early one day,
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and there's my mom
masturbating in the tub.
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Oh, God! Too far back!
Please play forward!
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[dance music plays]
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And boom - I hit the '80s.
Whoo! So much better. You don't even know.
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There I am,
in my junior high school, IS 145.
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[bell rings]
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And, yo, we were 55
feral latchkey kids per class.
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It was like Lord of the Flies,
but with a lot less adult supervision.
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And my history teacher, Mr. Flynn…
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was a mean, sadistic son of a bitch.
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And he had a rear-view mirror
on the blackboard.
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[laughter]
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And, yo, he needed that shit.
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'Cause when he was writing
with his back to us,
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he'd be like, "All right, Legizmo.
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All right, I see you standing there.
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Sit down before I staple your ass
to the chair.
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What'd you have for breakfast,
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your Colombian mom's
illegal powdered cereal?"
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"All right, shut up, class.
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Open up your history textbooks
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to a chapter
you will become familiar with in life -
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chapter 11.
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All right, shut up, class.
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Now, class, what did the Greeks
contribute to the world
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besides feta cheese?"
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And, yo, my boy Crazy Legs
was like, "Yo, they invented anal."
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"No, Mr. Hernandez. That was your mother."
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"Now sit down and shut up."
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And, yo, the whole class was like,
"You, man," but not me. I was like, "Ooh.
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Ooh. Ooh, ooh. Oh. Ooh."
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"All right, Legizmo,
before you crap your pants."
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"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, Mr. Flynn.
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Mr. Flynn, what I really, really wanted
to "ax" you, just wanna "ax" you
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why you always talk-ed about
everybody else's contributions to America
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but my peoples?
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'Cause, yo, my Uncle Sanny says
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that this whole thing
about us being discovered-ed
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by this fucker Columbo…"
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"It's, like, bullshit, yo.
'Cause we was conquested-ed, man.
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'Cause, yo, that's like me discovering
your wallet in your back pocket
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and now it's mine, right? Right?"
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[impish laugh]
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"Mr. Legizmo, you wanna know what these
people have contributed to this country?
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Drugs and violence.
Now sit your ignorant ass down."
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"Yo, Mr. Flynn,
why you gotta do me like that?
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You know me, huh? You know me?
Huh? You know me?"
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I wasn't very good
at comebacks back then.
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I don't know about y'all…
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but I always felt my whole life,
my history was being kept from me.
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History textbooks, movies,
television, everywhere.
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Just like my mom was always
keeping my father's history from us
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ever since he abandoned our asses.
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My mother was always like, "Mijo,
I never wanted to bad-mouth your father.
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No, because it would ruin the moment
when you figure it out all by yourself."
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So, all I knew about my history
was what my Puerto Rican Uncle Sanny,
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who was deaf, would teach me,
'cause he was our expert on everything
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'cause he was always watching PBS,
way too fucking loud…
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and he'd always be like, "Mijo,
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don't say that, pendejo."
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"You have to know about yourself
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because, bebito,
we had pyramids and calendars."
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"And my great-great grandmother…
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was a Indian princess."
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[imitates Indian war cry]
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"But, Uncle Sanny,
my teacher don't give a carajo!"
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"Jesus… mijo."
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"Get… your shit together."
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"Because Latin man…"
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"has to work twice as hard…
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to get half as far."
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Now, it wasn't…
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it wasn't exactly a wealth of information.
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It was enough to get me
in trouble at school, that's for sure.
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Luckily for me, my uncle
did teach me about our Latin timeline,
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which I wanna share with you, and that is
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Mayans at 1000 B.C.,
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and then we have now.
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What is it, the age of Pitbull, right?
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[singing, indistinct]
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♪ Get it, don't stop… ♪
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[gibberish]
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But, yo, what happened in the 3,000 years
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between our great
indigenous civilizations and us?
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How did we become so goddamn nonexistent?
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Because if you don't see yourself
represented outside of yourself,
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you just feel fucking invisible.
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So, yo, I had good reason to panic
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because as the great 20th-century
Spanish philosopher Santana once said…
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oh, no, not Carlos, George,
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who said,
"Those who cannot remember their past
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are doomed to repeat it." Cono.
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00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,628
[laughter]
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00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,048
So, yo, ever since my son got bullied,
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yo, yo, yo, I put a fatwa on that bully,
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and I went on a intellectual jihad.
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00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:26,644
So now I'm a self-professed
ghetto scholar, holla.
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00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,979
Coo-coo.
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00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:36,696
So, people, tonight's lesson is…
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00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,907
Latin History For Fucking Morons.
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00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:42,785
And that's you.
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00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,038
I'm sorry, but it's true, okay?
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00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:51,961
Tonight, I'm only gonna be talking about
our founding forefathers and our empires,
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the kind of shit that
they keep out of our history textbooks.
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00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,967
So pay attention
'cause you're gonna be quizzed. A'ight?
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00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:01,971
A'ight. So let's start
by looking at Latin DNA.
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00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,056
Now, I've done a lot of research
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00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:10,730
to find out that we Latin people
are all at least 40% Indian.
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00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:11,939
And by Indian, I mean…
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00:12:12,022 --> 00:12:14,024
[Native American Indian chant]
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00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,281
[Indian accent] Not, "Please to be
taking down your pants…"
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00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,200
"so I can be examining your rectum."
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00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:37,381
We are also 25% Black. That's right, baby.
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00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,844
After the conquistadors enslaved
all the Indians, and they died off,
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00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,514
they imported Black people
to fill in their vacancies.
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00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,892
So we are definitely Blackified.
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00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:52,229
Shit, I bet you are, too.
I bet you I could prove it. Come on.
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00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,275
♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪
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00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,402
♪ I said a-stomp your feet ♪
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00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,029
♪ I said a-clap your hands now ♪
220
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,199
♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪
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00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,493
♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪
222
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,661
♪ I said a-oh-ah, ah-chi-ca ♪
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00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:08,954
♪ I said a-ooh-ah-- ♪
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00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,331
Okay, maybe not so much.
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00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,586
We're also 25% white, 25% Jewish,
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00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:19,089
25% Lebanese and 40%
I don't know what the fuck.
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00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,677
For a grand total of 180%.
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00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,223
And that is us Latino people.
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00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:35,314
And trust me, I know it's confusing,
I know it's confusing…
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00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:40,361
because we Latin people
are a bastardly people,
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00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:42,279
and the reason we're such bastards
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00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,865
is because those white
European conquistadors
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00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,869
came here in the 1500s without women.
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00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:54,917
And these horny son of a bitches
were sexing up all our fine native honies,
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00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,920
and these conquistador would be like,
"Gonzalo, psst. Gonzalo."
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00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:03,050
"I never thought I was going to say this,
but can you fuck too much?"
237
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,761
"'Cause I think I'm sick of fucking.
238
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:10,015
I don't think I ever wanna fuck again.
I've reached the fucking end."
239
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:15,855
These conquistadors were like NBA players
at a Kardashian pool party.
240
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:26,365
So that's how we Latin people
became their bastard offspring.
241
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,242
Now I'mma be Bob Ross.
242
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,661
Remember that cool white guy
with the 'fro?
243
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:33,539
They used to play it on cable TV.
I love me that dude.
244
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:37,877
"Let the lines breathe, let the lines
do what they're gonna do here.
245
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,212
The Great Lakes are here.
There's about five of them.
246
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:44,758
I didn't do the research. New York City's
like a little baby penis here and there.
247
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:48,512
Florida's like a rotten colon.
And then Texas is like a dried-up udder."
248
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:52,099
"But California's like a smelly rear end.
249
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:56,353
But Mexico's
like a sexy lady with a big ass.
250
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,898
So big. I like that.
I could draw that ass all day."
251
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,903
"And then South America -
well, it never fits. Nobody really cares."
252
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:11,076
And now for the rest of
the so-called shithole countries.
253
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,537
We have Cuba.
254
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,457
-[cheering]
-[man] Yeah.
255
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,751
República Dominicana.
256
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:21,754
And Haiti.
257
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,925
Puerto Rico.
258
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,718
[raucous cheer]
259
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,639
Wepa.
260
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,768
Then all these little islands here
like little mojoncitos.
261
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,191
And, yo, way back when,
262
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:46,236
we were three million Taínos
in the Caribbean…
263
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:51,325
33 million Incas in South America,
264
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:54,745
30 million Aztecs in Mexico,
265
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:59,083
and seven million Apache,
Comanche, and Navajo in the West
266
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,460
for a grand total of…
267
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:06,674
73 million people.
268
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,635
Until… the great…
269
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,720
extermination.
270
00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:16,725
And then, yo, 95% of us
271
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,812
vanished off the face
of the fucking Earth.
272
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:24,566
How many's that left? Sir, you look
very intelligent. What is it?
273
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:29,697
No, you weren't gonna say five percent.
Anybody can say five-- That's one demerit.
274
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:36,120
Let's not get to three. Otherwise,
you're gonna have to get out. Ushers, ojo.
275
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:37,204
Ojo.
276
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:38,998
Ojo.
277
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:49,883
That's 3.65 million Indians left.
278
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,763
And, yo, this genocide
really fucked me up, man.
279
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,349
"Why, John?" you ask.
280
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:58,934
You ask.
281
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,978
[audience] Why, John?
282
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,187
Thank you for asking.
283
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,899
'Cause, yo, I've always had these…
284
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,736
anger issues, man.
285
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,362
But now I know why.
286
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,198
Because of some
unconscious conquest resentment
287
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,992
I've been carrying all my life.
288
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:19,496
But, yo, my resentment
was not totally unjustified,
289
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:22,499
because our ancestral wealth,
290
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:27,296
our inheritance,
our gold was stolen from us.
291
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:31,508
And, yo, we had tons and tons
of beautiful, sophisticated,
292
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,595
museum-type treasures
until they came here--
293
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:35,637
Okay, time-out.
294
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,890
Historic footnote time, people.
295
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:42,311
Why is all our art called "folk art"
296
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:46,356
and then all of European art
is called "fine art,"
297
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,651
and then modern art
is just our folk art gentrified?
298
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:52,863
You, sir.
299
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:59,828
You trying to be sneaky by yessing me?
He's a "yes"man. That's two demerits.
300
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:04,875
You better shape up, otherwise…
301
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,127
I don't wanna have to stay late
and tutor your ass.
302
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,297
Now, for the rest of y'all,
'cause I like y'all…
303
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,843
when these conquistadors…
304
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:20,182
[in Spanish] Those shit-eating,
motherfucking assholes,
305
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:22,851
[in English] …came here,
306
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:28,190
they melted all our
golden masterpieces into coins.
307
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:32,569
Yo, that's like going into
the museum in Florence
308
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:36,698
and seeing the statue of David
and going, "Larry, look at that statue.
309
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,034
It would make a lovely
marble kitchen counter."
310
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:47,084
Because this King Philip of Spain
311
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:52,589
stole 500,000 tons of gold from us,
312
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,758
and twice as much silver,
313
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,011
by dismissing us as pagan savages.
314
00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,681
Yeah, I got your savage right here, buddy.
315
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,349
And this King Philip of Spain…
316
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:03,684
[laughter]
317
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:06,687
No, this King Philip of--
No, I'm-- This K--
318
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,232
People, I'm up here. Up here.
319
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,699
So, yo…
320
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:24,580
This King Philip of Spain
was always shitting on us, man.
321
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,541
Always trying to prove we
weren't human and didn't have souls
322
00:19:27,624 --> 00:19:30,085
so they could keep robbing us
through the centuries.
323
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,128
And he was always…
324
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:35,174
[in Spanish] "They're not fucking humans,
God dammit.
325
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,592
Damn, man, fuck!"
326
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:41,889
"You bring me 500 of these savages,
and I'm going to put them in my royal zoo,
327
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:45,017
and you will see that
they're soulless animals.
328
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,312
Who would have thought that colonization
could be so much fun?"
329
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:51,398
♪ Oh, robbing, raping, pillaging
Robbing, raping, raping ♪
330
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,358
♪ Pillaging, robbing, robbing, rape ♪
331
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,610
♪ Raping, raping, rape ♪
332
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,863
Put us in cages.
333
00:19:57,946 --> 00:20:00,616
Thank God
that's not happening to us anymore, huh?
334
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:08,373
And, yo, this was
the biggest theft in all of history.
335
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,920
$32 trillion of our gold
was stolen from us.
336
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,880
$32 trillion.
337
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:16,924
I want my reparations, motherfuckers.
338
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:22,304
Because our gold not only funded
the Spanish Empire,
339
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:28,560
but also the British, French
and Ottoman Empires of the 1600s.
340
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:33,857
And just as I'm getting so turned on
by all of my research…
341
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:37,903
of course, that's when my wife
comes in all fakakta…
342
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,448
That's Yiddish for "boner-killer."
343
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,536
"John, I just got off the phone
with Buddy's history teacher.
344
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:50,999
Look… he's falling behind.
Can you talk to him?
345
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,502
I'm already overloaded helping Boo."
346
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,629
"Why can't I help Boo with her homework?"
347
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:59,216
"Okay, John, you can help her
with her trigonometry."
348
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,137
"Okay, I'll help Buddy."
349
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:07,683
"Thank you, John,
and can you please get on it?
350
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,476
Can you please not mess this up?"
351
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,938
"Don't worry, honey. I'm fucking things up
as fast as I can, okay?"
352
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:14,439
Mm!
353
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:19,194
"I'm kidding. No, you do you.
I'm cool. I got it. I got it. Go, go."
354
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,823
So I wait for my wife to leave,
and then I coach my son
355
00:21:22,906 --> 00:21:26,660
on my year-long project -
getting even with that goddamn bully.
356
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:29,496
"Buddy, honey, come on.
We're gonna practice.
357
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:31,832
We're gonna pretend I'm the bully,
and I step up to you.
358
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:34,376
No, you don't gotta be afraid.
We're just pretending.
359
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:35,711
And I say to you,
360
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:39,631
'I come from a long line of Civil War…'
blah, blah, blah, whatever.
361
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:43,969
You say to him, 'It doesn't matter
because we were here first,
362
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:47,139
we jump-started America
even before Columbus,
363
00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,308
that genocidal, pedophilic rapist.'"
364
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,894
"Buddy, it's gonna shut the hell
outta that bully, okay?
365
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,230
All right? So we good? We good?"
366
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:58,859
"No, Dad. We didn't even go over
my history homework, Dad."
367
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:02,904
"All right, honey, my bad.
So what's the assignment?"
368
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:08,035
"Dad, I gotta do my project
on heroes that I look up to."
369
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:12,331
"Dude, do it on some Latin heroes.
Come on, man. Come on, it's a great idea."
370
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:16,501
"We'll talk about it later,
but you got your marching orders, right?
371
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:21,590
All right, so go play like a normal kid.
No, man. You got this. Go play, go, go."
372
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:25,677
And I thought my son
was gonna crush it in class,
373
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,805
but he goes to present on Columbus Day
in front of his class,
374
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:30,682
and he's all like, "Um…
375
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,518
I know we've got lots of Latin heroes.
376
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:37,314
I'm just working on getting their names
and dates right now,
377
00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:43,445
but I do know for certain that Columbus
was a genocidal, pedophilic rapist."
378
00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:49,493
So of course the bully corners my son
in the boys' bathroom.
379
00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:54,206
He's like, "Shut up. Your project sucks.
Go back to your country, asswipe."
380
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:58,460
"Ow. Why don't you go back?
'Cause we were here first, stupid."
381
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,837
"Oh, yeah? Prove it, dickface."
382
00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:05,092
"Ow. Ow. I will. I just got nothing
on the facts right now."
383
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:10,263
"Damn straight you ain't got nothing
'cause you're the kings of nothing.
384
00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:12,849
Come here, King of Nothing,
'cause I'm gonna crown your ass.
385
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:17,187
Come here. What, are you gonna run?
Run home and kill yourself, little bitch."
386
00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:23,527
So my poor little, broken man
comes home, and he's all like…
387
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:27,447
"Dad, you just make up
all this shit, Dad."
388
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:30,867
"I'm never gonna believe you again."
389
00:23:31,701 --> 00:23:33,036
And he runs into his room.
390
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:37,124
So… I put on my best dad hat,
391
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:39,042
I go to him and I says, "Buddy, honey,
392
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:43,088
I'm sorry but life is gonna
fuck you sometimes. It just is.
393
00:23:43,171 --> 00:23:46,842
And you're gonna have to, I don't know,
just keep changing positions
394
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:48,760
until it feels good somehow."
395
00:23:52,055 --> 00:23:54,516
That didn't come out the way
I meant it to come out.
396
00:23:55,392 --> 00:23:58,186
-No. What I'm trying to say to you--
-[door slams]
397
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:02,065
Buddy, honey.
Honey, what I'm trying to say to you
398
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:06,695
is I made sure you grew up better than me
so you wouldn't have to experience this.
399
00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:09,656
But in the streets,
you can't let nobody punk you, man,
400
00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:13,368
so you got my permission
to sucker punch that bully's ass.
401
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,705
-My son opens the door and he's like…
-[imitates hinges creaking]
402
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:18,748
"But, Dad, Gandhi said…"
403
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:23,420
"Gandhi said that
if we all took an eye for eye
404
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:27,090
that the whole world
would just be blind, Dad."
405
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:29,759
"Oh, but, Buddy, honey,
Gandhi couldn't think straight
406
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:32,012
'cause he was always hungry."
407
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:37,684
-[door slams]
-You see--
408
00:24:40,061 --> 00:24:41,354
My son.
409
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:44,816
My son doesn't get it.
He doesn't know how the real world works.
410
00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:48,361
But I do. Hell, yeah.
And as my father once said,
411
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:50,489
and I wrote it down because…
412
00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:53,783
he never said anything else to me again.
I was afraid I'd forget.
413
00:24:54,993 --> 00:24:55,994
Here, let me…
414
00:24:56,077 --> 00:25:00,373
"Every man has to
measure himself in life.
415
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:05,003
And how do you measure a man's… value?
416
00:25:05,712 --> 00:25:08,673
By when he's tested in battle." So, yo…
417
00:25:09,716 --> 00:25:12,344
I was gonna go to war on my son's behalf
418
00:25:13,094 --> 00:25:15,514
and get him real facts
on real Latin war heroes.
419
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,307
So behind his back,
420
00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:20,685
I get a copy
of his eighth-grade history textbook.
421
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:23,522
I'm looking for Latin heroes,
and I'm looking for Latin contributions,
422
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:26,983
and I'm looking from cover to cover,
and there is nothing.
423
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:28,735
Nada. Culo. Dick.
424
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:31,321
I mean, it's unbelievable, man.
425
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,366
Not one fucking sentence,
not one fucking chapter,
426
00:25:34,449 --> 00:25:36,535
not a goddamn mention.
427
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:39,371
As if we've been absent
all these fucking centuries.
428
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:43,583
And, yo, I gotta fess up.
That shit started to get me down.
429
00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:45,418
That is…
430
00:25:46,127 --> 00:25:52,008
until I get turned on to Howard Zinn's
A People's History of the United States.
431
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:57,222
Which should be required reading
for every kid in America
432
00:25:57,305 --> 00:26:00,141
because, yo, this book
opened up the world to me, man.
433
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:02,018
Because even in the first chapter,
434
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:06,231
he proves that our contributions
were even bigger than what I thought.
435
00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:09,985
Because we also gave you
tomatoes, potatoes, chocolate,
436
00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:11,528
try living without that shit, ma'am,
437
00:26:11,611 --> 00:26:14,531
hammocks, canoes, chili peppers,
438
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:17,117
tobacco, anesthesia, brain surgery,
439
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,245
and people from Jersey and Long Island?
Fucking hockey.
440
00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:25,041
And it's not like the Europeans
didn't give us anything, no,
441
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:27,377
'cause they gave us typhus, cholera,
442
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:30,797
malaria, measles, tuberculosis,
443
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:35,885
black plague, the common cold,
diphtheria, chicken pox, whooping cough,
444
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,971
leprosy,
445
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:40,890
and don't forget
rats, roaches, and pigeons.
446
00:26:43,893 --> 00:26:47,439
Then after all the fucked-up shit
they do to us,
447
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:50,275
we gift you with
some of the sexiest dances
448
00:26:50,358 --> 00:26:51,818
the world has ever seen.
449
00:26:53,194 --> 00:26:55,030
-Tango.
-[music playing]
450
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:04,748
-Cumbia. iWepa!
-[music playing]
451
00:27:04,831 --> 00:27:06,958
iWepa! iWepa! Whoo.
452
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:12,547
-♪ I like it like that ♪
-Cha-cha-cha.
453
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,633
♪ I said I like it like that ♪
454
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,343
♪ Do it to me, give it to me ♪
455
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:17,594
♪ I like it like ♪
456
00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:22,474
Mambo. Huh. Huh.
457
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:24,559
[mambo music playing]
458
00:27:28,938 --> 00:27:30,190
-Samba.
-[whistle blows]
459
00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:32,525
[samba music playing]
460
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:34,819
Huh.
461
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:36,905
[applause and cheering]
462
00:27:47,957 --> 00:27:49,042
So where was I?
463
00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:53,963
No. Mr. Obvious, I know I was dancing.
464
00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:58,176
So, long before…
465
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,220
Columb-ass…
466
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,600
yo, we were happy-go-lucky tribes
467
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:10,063
living in what was called
a thousand-year peace.
468
00:28:11,189 --> 00:28:14,609
And I know why those Taínos
were so peaceful in the Caribbean, too,
469
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:15,819
'cause they'd be like…
470
00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:18,196
♪ Ding-a-ling a-ling, hear them ring ♪
471
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:19,864
♪ Booyaka, booyaka ♪
472
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:21,491
♪ Booyaka, booyaka ♪
473
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:28,123
[Jamaican accent] "Hey, blood clot."
Batty-boo tell me something I don't know?
474
00:28:28,832 --> 00:28:31,876
"Hey, man. Hey, man, you ever wonder…"
475
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:35,338
"You ever wonder…
476
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:41,136
what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn't…"
477
00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:47,392
"Yeah, man."
478
00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:57,527
[normal voice] Now, the Taínos
were the gentlest people
479
00:28:57,610 --> 00:29:00,196
that the universe has ever seen
480
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,284
because they would also
fight their wars with wooden swords
481
00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:06,619
so as to not kill their enemy.
482
00:29:06,703 --> 00:29:07,954
Aw!
483
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:11,458
Come on, that's so fucking cute.
484
00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:14,419
Time-out. Historic footnote time.
485
00:29:14,502 --> 00:29:19,424
Let's clarify some big-ass misconceptions
about Columbus, okay?
486
00:29:19,507 --> 00:29:24,137
One, he never set foot in America.
Just here.
487
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:29,142
Two, he was sent by the Spanish,
but he was actually Italian.
488
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:32,771
And three,
when he first encounters the Taínos,
489
00:29:32,854 --> 00:29:36,566
he says to them
in his own inimitable words,
490
00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:41,112
"Hey, you big brown mook, come here.
[speaks Italian] Yeah, you, come here.
491
00:29:41,196 --> 00:29:44,073
You bring us tobacco, cotton, and gold,
we're gonna give you,
492
00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:46,993
oh, we're gonna give you--
Hey, excuse me.
493
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:49,579
Guido, what are we
gonna give these mulyans?
494
00:29:50,121 --> 00:29:53,708
We're gonna give you these broken mirrors,
and then we're gonna rape you.
495
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:58,296
We got grapes for you. Forget about it.
Who said that? Hey, forget about it. Hey.
496
00:29:58,421 --> 00:29:59,964
Hey, forget about it."
497
00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:04,928
Columbus was the Donald Trump
of the New World, y'all.
498
00:30:05,011 --> 00:30:07,180
[cheering and applause]
499
00:30:12,936 --> 00:30:15,522
Even an OG like Mike Tyson
would've been like,
500
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:18,858
"Say what you wanna say about me,
but that motherfucker's crazy."
501
00:30:21,277 --> 00:30:25,990
Because Columbus
basically did a home invasion, man.
502
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:29,244
And on top of that, on top of that,
503
00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:32,288
he gave them syphilis.
504
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:34,541
I gotta write that shit down.
505
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:38,127
"Sifilis."
506
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:47,637
Of course I don't know how to spell it.
507
00:30:48,471 --> 00:30:51,850
Only people who have had it
know how to spell it.
508
00:30:56,688 --> 00:31:01,234
All right, extra-credit time.
Extra credit for anybody here
509
00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:03,820
who can tell me
how the Europeans got syphilis.
510
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:06,906
[man bleats like a sheep]
511
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:17,041
I'm not gonna ask you
how you knew that, sir.
512
00:31:18,918 --> 00:31:20,879
I don't really wanna know,
but he's right,
513
00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:22,213
- from fucking sheep.
514
00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,384
Not "fucking" sheep. From fucking sheep.
515
00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:31,139
I mean, I like lamb, too,
but I know where to draw the line.
516
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:35,059
But not these Europeans.
They'd be like, "Oh, Fluffy."
517
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:39,355
[Norwegian accent] "Your eyes
are so pretty. You're so fluffy."
518
00:31:40,690 --> 00:31:43,776
"Can I call you Fluffy?
Oh, I loves you. I loves you.
519
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:46,529
Say my name, say my name."
Baa-aa-aa.
520
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:49,866
Baa-aa-aa-aa-aa.
521
00:31:57,290 --> 00:31:58,625
All right, let's recap.
522
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:04,255
So Columbus brings syphilis
to the New World
523
00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:07,634
by raping nine-year-old Taíno girls,
524
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:11,220
and then enslaves all the Taínos
until he exterminates them.
525
00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:16,768
And that, my lovely morons,
is called the Caribbean Holocaust.
526
00:32:17,644 --> 00:32:21,314
And that is the end of the Taínos
and their time on Earth.
527
00:32:22,273 --> 00:32:23,983
Then what do we do?
What do we do?
528
00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:28,029
We give Columbus a day to celebrate him
for fucking people over.
529
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,530
What were we thinking?
530
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:32,909
"Yeah, let's celebrate anybody
who fucks people over.
531
00:32:32,992 --> 00:32:36,913
Next week, why don't we have a holiday
for my ex-wife's divorce lawyer?"
532
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:47,298
And I couldn't stop, man.
533
00:32:47,382 --> 00:32:50,760
I couldn't stop obsessing
about these gentle Taínos.
534
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:53,888
I kept thinking they'd be so perfect
for my son's history project,
535
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:57,350
and for my son, 'cause my son
was this gentle little creature.
536
00:32:58,017 --> 00:33:01,688
And so I present it to him, right?
And he's all like,
537
00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:05,483
"Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dad,
but there's this girl I really like,
538
00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:09,445
and she already thinks I'm a wuss 'cause
I keep getting bullied all the time,
539
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:12,657
so I can't really do my project
on wusses right now."
540
00:33:14,075 --> 00:33:16,995
"Why don't you impress her
with some of the other facts I gave you?"
541
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:18,830
"Oh, yeah, Dad, that's a great idea.
542
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:22,041
I'll just tell her I come from
sheep-fuckers who had syphilis."
543
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:28,172
"Thanks, Dad, but that's why
I don't talk to you about this shit, Dad."
544
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:31,926
"Oh, come on, Buddy.
Man, come on. That's not fair, man.
545
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,804
You know you can talk to me
about anything, my little man.
546
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:38,433
You know what? I wanna prove it to you.
I'm gonna show you.
547
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:42,395
I'll show you that you could be a hero
to your little girly friend, okay, my man?
548
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:46,774
Because I've got a foolproof… hero test.
549
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:51,738
Because in my book, you just need
three things to be a hero, okay?
550
00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:53,906
One, don't be a dick.
551
00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:02,331
Because heroes don't discriminate.
552
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:07,211
They sacrifice their lives
to help everyone irregardless, okay?
553
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:11,299
And two… don't be an a-hole.
554
00:34:14,969 --> 00:34:17,263
'Cause heroes act up
when they're called upon
555
00:34:17,346 --> 00:34:21,184
to stand up for something
or to take a knee against something.
556
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:23,227
[cheering and applause]
557
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:28,024
And three, don't be a pussy.
558
00:34:28,441 --> 00:34:30,443
Because heroes never back down.
559
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:34,197
It looks something like this.
I'm a married man, so it's been a while.
560
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,574
I know it's got that little thingy
right there…"
561
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:46,334
"Buddy, honey, are you paying attention?
Are you pay-- Honey, this…
562
00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:48,044
goes in here."
563
00:34:49,837 --> 00:34:52,715
"And sometimes on your birthday, in here."
564
00:34:57,345 --> 00:35:01,557
"All right? This is our sex talk, okay?
But don't tell your mom. Don't tell her."
565
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:09,690
Buddy. So let's put all our guys
through our hero filter.
566
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,735
Let's forget about the Taínos for now
because they were too gentle,
567
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,988
but what about using
the mighty Aztec warriors?
568
00:35:16,114 --> 00:35:18,616
Oh, come on, man, they were so badass,
569
00:35:18,699 --> 00:35:22,161
with those things through their noses,
and they invented basketball and shit."
570
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:25,915
"But, Dad, as a virgin
I can't really support them
571
00:35:25,998 --> 00:35:28,376
cause they woulda sacrificed me, too."
572
00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:32,296
"What? Where the hell did you learn that?
In school?"
573
00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:35,675
"No, Dad, no, I watched Apocalypto
the movie."
574
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:41,597
Oh, great. My son is learning our history
from Mel Gibson.
575
00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:45,059
Holy fuck, how demented is that shit?
576
00:35:46,102 --> 00:35:49,856
So, yo, I had to double down
and get it right for my son
577
00:35:50,273 --> 00:35:54,986
and, luckily for me, I find my ammunition
in this mad, explicit book
578
00:35:55,069 --> 00:35:57,655
by this Spanish friar, Sahagún,
579
00:35:58,072 --> 00:36:01,617
who was writing at the time of the Aztecs
and spoke the actual…
580
00:36:01,701 --> 00:36:05,830
[speaks gibberish sounding language names]
581
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,419
All right, let me break it down for you.
So, Sahagún says
582
00:36:11,794 --> 00:36:17,925
that in 1520, Spain sends Cortés
to colonize Mexico.
583
00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:22,471
Now, back then, Mexico was called
the Aztec Empire.
584
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:26,309
And their capital city, Tenochtitlan,
was right here.
585
00:36:28,352 --> 00:36:29,270
Oh, grow up.
586
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:32,315
Now…
587
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:37,153
when the conquistadors first saw this
city, they said it looked like a dream.
588
00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:39,864
Because it was so beautiful
and pristine and white,
589
00:36:39,947 --> 00:36:44,785
and it had 45 public buildings,
temples, marketplaces, aqueducts.
590
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:50,583
The city was surrounded
by a giant lake, so they were safe.
591
00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:54,003
So how the fuck did we lose?
592
00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:58,007
How could we fucking lose, man?
593
00:36:58,090 --> 00:37:00,885
Well, the going Eurocentric narrative,
594
00:37:00,968 --> 00:37:04,055
even in a progressive book
like Guns, Germs, and Steel
595
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:09,143
is that we natives lost
because we were somehow inferior.
596
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:13,981
Because the Europeans allegedly had
superior weapons, genes, intellect,
597
00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,859
agriculture, blah, blah, blah, blah.
598
00:37:16,984 --> 00:37:22,073
Bullshit, because Eduardo Galeano
in Open Veins,
599
00:37:22,156 --> 00:37:25,076
which should be
every Latin parent's bible, by the way,
600
00:37:25,159 --> 00:37:29,830
proves that the only thing superior
that the Europeans really had
601
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:31,749
were their germs.
602
00:37:31,832 --> 00:37:35,336
Because if the European colonizer
603
00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:41,175
attacked before his germs took hold,
he always lost.
604
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:46,055
That's why Cortés didn't beat the Aztecs
the first time he attacked.
605
00:37:46,138 --> 00:37:50,685
No, he had to wait a whole fucking year
till two thirds of the Aztec population
606
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:53,145
died from European smallpox.
607
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:58,359
The other factor that undid the Aztecs
608
00:37:58,442 --> 00:38:03,239
was their infamous King Moctezuma,
609
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,032
who was polling very low…
610
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:09,370
so he colludes with Putin -
I mean, Cortés -
611
00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:15,251
to set him up as
the ancient Aztec god Quetzalcoatl.
612
00:38:17,086 --> 00:38:18,921
I'm not gonna even try to spell that.
613
00:38:19,005 --> 00:38:22,341
'Cause if Moctezuma
could prove that Cortés was a god,
614
00:38:22,425 --> 00:38:26,721
then the Aztec people were sure he was
there to make the Aztecs great again.
615
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:30,224
I'm glad you're getting my meaning.
I'm glad.
616
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:35,271
But Moctezuma got played by Cortés,
617
00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:38,691
so we have a word in Spanish
for Moctezuma.
618
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:41,068
Un pendejo.
619
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:47,825
So, Moctezuma
goes up to Cortés and says,
620
00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:49,452
goes up to Cortés and says,
621
00:38:49,535 --> 00:38:53,080
[feminine voice] "Your Lord, you have
finally come to your city, Mexico.
622
00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:56,792
Here, sit on thy throne,
oh, Quetzalcoatl."
623
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:02,465
Cortés was like, "What did you call me?
Quetza what? Quetza qué?"
624
00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,468
"Well, surely you jest.
625
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:09,055
You're our god of earth and water.
Right, Quetzalcoatl?"
626
00:39:09,764 --> 00:39:12,099
"Play along, stupid.
Everybody's watching."
627
00:39:12,558 --> 00:39:17,563
"Oh, yeah, for sure.
My friends all call me Cortés for short."
628
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,067
"Okay, Cortés for short."
629
00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:22,818
[giggles]
630
00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:27,365
Cortés seizes Moctezuma.
"Shut up, you. We're taking you prisoner
631
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,992
unless you get your people
to open up the city gates.
632
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:31,911
Then I might let you live."
633
00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:34,497
[sinister snicker]
634
00:39:35,998 --> 00:39:39,543
"Okay, you leave me no choice
'cause you're so butch."
635
00:39:42,963 --> 00:39:45,007
[applause]
636
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:48,260
"So we're gonna have to
distract the masses with a sacrifice."
637
00:39:50,054 --> 00:39:52,431
"Oh, shit, I know. Drop the beat."
638
00:39:53,015 --> 00:39:54,558
♪ Run inside, Cortés, you stupid cunt ♪
639
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:56,977
♪ Ignore the ugly white people
Walking to the city gates ♪
640
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,815
♪ One, two, I'm a captive bitch
in my own home ♪
641
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:03,275
♪ It makes no sense,
I gave him gifts, I let him in ♪
642
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:06,070
♪ I got my ass, I'm saving me as is ♪
643
00:40:06,153 --> 00:40:09,240
♪ Cortés wants my throne,
I won't let him, no, no ♪
644
00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:10,825
♪ Let my people down, that's for sure ♪
645
00:40:10,908 --> 00:40:13,202
♪ Sacrifice, let's give him a show ♪
646
00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:14,829
♪ I'm-a get me outta this ♪
647
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:16,789
♪ I'm Moctezuma, bitch ♪
648
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:18,874
♪You ain't gonna slit my throat
Now watch me ♪
649
00:40:18,958 --> 00:40:22,378
♪Take me down to the floor
Like this, this, this, this, this ♪
650
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:28,843
[cheering and applause]
651
00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:39,270
I'm too old for this shit.
652
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,899
I could've tore something.
653
00:40:45,651 --> 00:40:46,652
Whoo.
654
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:52,366
As soon as Cortés got in the city gates,
the Aztecs were fucked
655
00:40:52,450 --> 00:40:55,578
and are reminded
what the great, late Stephen Hawking,
656
00:40:55,661 --> 00:40:58,038
the British cosmologist, once said -
657
00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:02,793
[imitating Hawking]
"Life would be tragic…
658
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:08,090
if it weren't so funny.
659
00:41:08,174 --> 00:41:10,843
Ha. Ha. Ha."
660
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:18,601
Because Moctezuma's death
is tragically comical.
661
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:21,228
Because Cortés spears him in the dick,
662
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:23,606
kills the man while he's asleep…
[yelps]
663
00:41:23,689 --> 00:41:27,026
…and then runs off. But, yo,
when the Aztec people found out
664
00:41:27,109 --> 00:41:29,278
that their puppet king had sold them out,
665
00:41:29,361 --> 00:41:31,739
yo, they went apeshit.
666
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:36,577
"Cabrones, those pinche putos
shish-kebabed pendejo king’s chorizo!
667
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,289
"Only we can kill our king.
668
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:45,836
Azteca!"
669
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,939
[cheering]
670
00:42:13,697 --> 00:42:18,244
So the Aztecs actually thought
that their dope-ass dance
671
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:20,454
was gonna scare away the conquistadors.
672
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:21,789
But, sadly, it did not,
673
00:42:21,872 --> 00:42:25,459
because the conquistadors
answered back with their cannons.
674
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:27,711
Nothing funny about these motherfuckers.
675
00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:28,837
[in Spanish] "Fire!"
676
00:42:28,921 --> 00:42:30,798
[imitates lighting fuse, firing cannon]
677
00:42:30,881 --> 00:42:33,968
And the poor Aztecs, who had never seen
or heard a cannon before,
678
00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:36,053
were like, "Holy shit, homes. Holy shit.
679
00:42:36,136 --> 00:42:40,099
Was that thunder? God, I hope it rains
so nobody sees that I peed myself."
680
00:42:40,182 --> 00:42:41,517
[imitates cannon firing]
681
00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:44,270
"Oh, fuck! I shat myself!"
682
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,439
"It must be the end of the world!
683
00:42:47,523 --> 00:42:49,900
It must be… 2012.
684
00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:52,236
Run for your lives, chingones.
We're gonna die!"
685
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:53,362
[imitates cannon firing]
686
00:42:53,445 --> 00:42:56,865
And a few remaining Aztecs
687
00:42:56,949 --> 00:43:00,160
came out feverish for one last battle.
688
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:04,957
"Chipotle, Cholula, Flan…"
689
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,126
[in Spanish] "Flan,
go attack the white guys!"
690
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:10,671
"No kidding, man, go do it."
691
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:12,298
[trills]
692
00:43:13,173 --> 00:43:16,427
[in English] And the conquistadors
were like, "Oh! Joder.
693
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:19,096
Gabriel, García, Márquez…"
694
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:23,225
[in Spanish] "Attack those
shameless, wretched savages."
695
00:43:25,811 --> 00:43:28,731
[in English] And the conquistadors
retaliate in a circle-jerk of muskets.
696
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:37,281
And the last of the Aztecs…
were all gone.
697
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:39,867
-"No. Mom."
-[imitates musket firing]
698
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:41,452
"My son."
699
00:43:43,579 --> 00:43:49,084
And now bloody and beaten
on the Aztec killing fields
700
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:53,839
the Aztecs still lost
by a slim-fucking-margin, man.
701
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:55,841
As they say in Palestine…
702
00:43:55,924 --> 00:43:58,385
[gibberish]
703
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:01,722
"Falafel, shawarma, baba ganoush."
704
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:09,021
How can a god who is just
let people do this to each other?
705
00:44:10,230 --> 00:44:15,319
And that, my friends, is the end
of the mighty, mighty Aztec Empire.
706
00:44:15,402 --> 00:44:16,737
And I know they lost.
707
00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:21,325
And I know it was the most successful
destruction of a people's language,
708
00:44:21,408 --> 00:44:23,285
culture, and religion in history,
709
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:26,413
but, yo, they fought and died
so that we might live.
710
00:44:27,206 --> 00:44:30,626
And I thought what a great lesson
to pass on to my son, right?
711
00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:33,462
To fight until the bitter end, right?
So…
712
00:44:33,545 --> 00:44:35,798
I go to his room to pass this on…
713
00:44:36,590 --> 00:44:42,429
but my son is all like, "Moctezuma, Dad?
That's your best hero, Dad?
714
00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:46,725
Dad, he doesn't even pass our hero test,
'cause rule number two,
715
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:48,018
he was an a-hole, Dad,
716
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:51,355
'cause he sold out his people
just to save his own ass."
717
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:56,068
"Oh, but, Buddy, honey, you're missing
the big takeaway here, man.
718
00:44:56,151 --> 00:44:57,778
'Cause the Aztecs were fighting against
719
00:44:57,861 --> 00:45:01,323
the most lethal use of germ warfare
in history, man.
720
00:45:01,407 --> 00:45:05,327
Just imagine if everyone you knew
and loved around you was dying."
721
00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:09,957
"Okay, Dad. Okay, you know what, Dad?
I'm gonna do my homework by myself now."
722
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:14,044
"Dad, that means alone.
That means you gotta go."
723
00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:17,798
-Where am I gonna go? This is my house."
-[door slams]
724
00:45:21,510 --> 00:45:24,972
I… gotta be straight up with you people.
I gotta be straight up.
725
00:45:25,055 --> 00:45:27,725
I did not know how to father this boy.
726
00:45:28,642 --> 00:45:32,020
And I knew I needed help,
so I went into therapy.
727
00:45:33,188 --> 00:45:34,314
Yeah, I'm in therapy.
728
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:39,361
I don't look like I need it 'cause I seem
very confident and well-adjusted…
729
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:43,282
like somebody you wanna be
trapped in an elevator with, but, no.
730
00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:47,244
I need lots of help, man,
731
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:49,663
because before I confront others,
732
00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:51,957
I gotta learn how to confront myself.
733
00:45:52,875 --> 00:45:57,463
And my therapist, Dr. T., who sounds
a lot like Tim Gunn on Project Runway…
734
00:45:58,797 --> 00:45:59,715
says to me,
735
00:46:01,133 --> 00:46:05,929
"John, stop. You keep using your humor
to avoid your core issues.
736
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:11,560
It's an outmoded survival skill
that helped you get out of the ghetto
737
00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:14,521
but is now starting to hold you back."
738
00:46:15,397 --> 00:46:17,024
"I know, Doc, I know. I'm relapsing.
739
00:46:17,107 --> 00:46:18,025
I know 'cause…
740
00:46:18,942 --> 00:46:24,239
I'm failing my son. What good am I, man?
I'm all obsessed with war and heroes
741
00:46:24,990 --> 00:46:27,951
and I can't seem to find my son
a Latin hero."
742
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:32,164
"Well, John, the question is,
who's your Latin hero, huh?
743
00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:34,249
How do you expect
to have a hero for your son
744
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:36,293
if you don't have one for yourself?"
745
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:39,421
"Might… might I make a suggestion?"
746
00:46:41,131 --> 00:46:43,550
"What about your father?"
747
00:46:44,092 --> 00:46:49,348
"My father, Doc, my father, oh, shit,
my father. Let me put it this way, man,
748
00:46:49,431 --> 00:46:51,600
When the bullies
used to step up to me and go,
749
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:55,479
'Yo, John, yo. I bet you my pops
could beat up your pops,'
750
00:46:55,562 --> 00:46:57,731
I'd be like, 'Oh, yeah? When?'"
751
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,695
"Terrific. Don't run away from this.
Go further, John.
752
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:07,825
Tell your father. Talk to your father,
the man who withheld his love from you,
753
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,619
yet instilled you with
the creative, yet pathetic need,
754
00:47:10,702 --> 00:47:12,871
to seek the approval of strangers."
755
00:47:14,206 --> 00:47:16,333
"All right, Doc. All right. Um…
756
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:20,462
Dad, I forgive you. I forgive you
for my fucked-up childhood, but…
757
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:23,131
you can't forgive me
for talking about it in a place?
758
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:25,259
So fuck you. I hate you, man.
759
00:47:25,342 --> 00:47:29,054
No, Doc. No, man.
This corny shit's not working."
760
00:47:29,137 --> 00:47:31,932
"No, John. Break through, John,
break through."
761
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:37,479
"John, we reached a critical juncture
in your repressed ghetto rage."
762
00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:43,694
"If we don't tackle it this very minute,
you might never be able to function--
763
00:47:43,777 --> 00:47:44,987
Oh, look at the time."
764
00:47:47,781 --> 00:47:51,994
"That's all the time we have for today.
Same time next week?"
765
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:55,247
-[imitates intercom buzzer]
-"Mr. Weinstein, I'm ready for you."
766
00:47:55,330 --> 00:47:57,541
[laughter and groans]
767
00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:04,590
So, I leave my therapist's office
768
00:48:04,673 --> 00:48:08,802
with an untreated
chronic case of ghetto rage.
769
00:48:10,095 --> 00:48:12,347
And-- Time-out. Urban Dictionary time.
770
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:14,933
For anybody here who doesn't know
what ghetto rage is,
771
00:48:15,017 --> 00:48:19,479
well, it's when the whole world
keeps telling you that you're worthless
772
00:48:19,563 --> 00:48:22,816
and you fight
these microaggressions daily,
773
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,235
but when you start to lose that battle,
774
00:48:25,319 --> 00:48:27,779
you start drowning in this…
775
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:32,534
self-loathing, burning rage,
776
00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:35,913
but as a Latin man, as a Latin man,
777
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:38,248
you can't even get angry,
'cause Homeland Security,
778
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:42,586
the fucking INS or a white nationalist
could decide you're a threat,
779
00:48:42,669 --> 00:48:46,798
and the next person
to be shot or deported could be you or me.
780
00:48:47,549 --> 00:48:51,136
'Cause Latin life is cheap in America.
781
00:48:52,429 --> 00:48:55,933
[applause]
782
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:02,105
So, I didn't know how to deal with
that shit. I did not know how to deal,
783
00:49:02,189 --> 00:49:04,483
so I ran away, I ran away,
and my drug of choice…
784
00:49:04,566 --> 00:49:05,651
Books.
785
00:49:05,734 --> 00:49:08,737
And I find more ammunition,
more ammunition
786
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:12,199
in this incredible book
by the genius Charles Mann,
787
00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:16,578
who wrote this beautiful,
beautiful love letter to us called 1491…
788
00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:21,792
wherein he says that in 1531,
789
00:49:21,875 --> 00:49:24,878
11 years after the Aztec conquest,
790
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:28,966
Cortés hooks up his cousin, Pizarro,
791
00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,760
and gets him a ship to lead an expedition
792
00:49:31,843 --> 00:49:35,305
against the biggest empire on Earth,
793
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:36,515
the Inca.
794
00:49:36,598 --> 00:49:41,979
Now, the Inca were three times bigger
than any empire of the time, man.
795
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,939
Bigger than the Ming dynasty,
796
00:49:44,022 --> 00:49:46,066
bigger than Tsarist Russia.
797
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:50,862
So advanced that they pioneered
the concept of socialism before Karl Marx.
798
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:54,658
And they had a binary code
that predated computers.
799
00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:55,867
How about that shit?
800
00:49:56,368 --> 00:50:00,288
Now, can anybody here tell me
what five countries in South America
801
00:50:00,372 --> 00:50:02,749
made up the Incan Empire,
for extra credit? Come on.
802
00:50:02,833 --> 00:50:04,876
Let's start from the top.
Let's start from the top.
803
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:06,253
Colombia,
804
00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:07,295
Ecuador.
805
00:50:07,379 --> 00:50:09,715
Sir, if I'm going too fast for you,
I'll slow down.
806
00:50:11,049 --> 00:50:14,469
Peru.
807
00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:18,974
Bolivia.
808
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:27,733
And Chi…
809
00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:29,735
le.
810
00:50:33,196 --> 00:50:35,073
All right, let me contextualize you.
811
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:39,202
So douchebag Pizarro
had three things in his favor, man.
812
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:44,249
One, Cortés' playbook
outlining how to get Indian allies.
813
00:50:44,332 --> 00:50:49,296
Two, his cousin's germ warfare
814
00:50:49,379 --> 00:50:53,341
had made it all the way
from the Aztecs to the Incas
815
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:55,302
and killed half the population
816
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:59,097
because the Europeans
had declassified their diseases
817
00:50:59,181 --> 00:51:01,099
as pre-existing conditions.
818
00:51:04,686 --> 00:51:07,689
And thirdly, and most importantly,
819
00:51:07,773 --> 00:51:10,984
the narcissism…
820
00:51:11,985 --> 00:51:13,445
of small…
821
00:51:15,530 --> 00:51:16,573
differences.
822
00:51:20,368 --> 00:51:24,081
And, yo, my man Freud had explained that
phenomena beautifully, and he says,
823
00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:29,669
[German accent] "Ja, people are naturally
jealous even of their brother-r-r-r-r
824
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:32,089
or their-r-r-r-r best friend
825
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:37,177
because people
have to feel superior-r-r-r-r,
826
00:51:37,260 --> 00:51:42,724
und will look for the smallest minutiae
of differ-r-r-r-rence
827
00:51:42,808 --> 00:51:47,145
to feel better-r-r-r-r than you,
the goddamn sons of bitches."
828
00:51:48,730 --> 00:51:50,732
Yo, Freud knew his shit, huh, man?
829
00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:55,654
Oh, hell, yeah, because even if
we were all the same people,
830
00:51:55,737 --> 00:51:58,240
we would find some
stupid little fucked-up reason
831
00:51:58,323 --> 00:51:59,991
to hate on each other, man.
832
00:52:00,784 --> 00:52:03,912
And that's what happened here, man.
That's what happened here,
833
00:52:03,995 --> 00:52:09,251
because the most hated enemy tribe
of the Inca were the Chanka.
834
00:52:09,835 --> 00:52:12,629
Not to be confused with la chancla.
835
00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:16,842
'Cause that's every Latin kid's
worst enemy.
836
00:52:17,759 --> 00:52:20,887
I'm sorry, chancla
is Spanish for flip-flop.
837
00:52:20,971 --> 00:52:23,014
It's what our moms
beat us with when we were little.
838
00:52:23,098 --> 00:52:26,226
[in Spanish] "Be careful, you rascal,
get ready now."
839
00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:31,314
[in English] So the flip-flops…
840
00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:37,070
the most hated enemy tribe of the Inca,
841
00:52:37,195 --> 00:52:39,865
link up with Pizarro,
and Pizarro says to them,
842
00:52:39,948 --> 00:52:42,033
"Follow me.
Let's hide behind the blackboard.
843
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:47,164
"All right, friar, you go convert
those savage Inca.
844
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:50,709
And if that fails,
we're gonna go to plan B."
845
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:54,754
And the friar Valverde
was like, "Plan B. Plan B.
846
00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:56,882
What is plan B?"
847
00:52:57,507 --> 00:52:59,384
"Spear them in the dick, of course."
848
00:52:59,467 --> 00:53:00,969
[chuckles]
849
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,388
"Shh. Hide, everybody."
850
00:53:03,471 --> 00:53:09,060
So the friar comes out to the town square
surrounded by 80,000 Incas.
851
00:53:12,939 --> 00:53:15,358
[audience catcalls]
852
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:18,403
All jungle-ripped in leather Speedos.
853
00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:21,406
Sexy as fuck.
854
00:53:22,324 --> 00:53:26,203
And the friar goes up to Atahualpa,
the king of the Incas,
855
00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:29,748
and he goes, "Atahualpa,
king of the Inca,
856
00:53:29,831 --> 00:53:33,210
please, please take this Bible
and convert,
857
00:53:33,293 --> 00:53:36,838
because the Catholic religion
is all-forgiving, soul-saving,
858
00:53:36,922 --> 00:53:38,965
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
859
00:53:39,049 --> 00:53:41,551
Our priests love children.
860
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:44,429
Spend a lot of time with them."
861
00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:47,432
And Atahualpa, the king of the Incas,
throws the Bible down.
862
00:53:47,515 --> 00:53:48,350
[imitates slap]
863
00:53:48,433 --> 00:53:49,601
"Who is this motherfucker?"
864
00:53:51,186 --> 00:53:53,813
"Okay, never mind, never mind.
Plan B. Plan B.
865
00:53:53,897 --> 00:53:57,525
Spear him in the dick right about now
would be as good a time as any."
866
00:53:57,609 --> 00:53:59,152
And Pizarro comes out of hiding.
867
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,614
[imitates horn call]
868
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,825
"Atacan!"
869
00:54:05,909 --> 00:54:08,578
And with his huge legion
of Indian allies…
870
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:10,872
"Ah. Ah."
871
00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:12,791
…they ambush the Inca.
872
00:54:12,874 --> 00:54:18,046
So Atahualpa, the king of the Incas,
tries to make a getaway on a litter.
873
00:54:18,129 --> 00:54:20,382
A litter's some ancient
king-carrying fucking thing.
874
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:22,717
He's, "Run, motherfuckers, run."
875
00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:27,973
"If you don't drop me, I'll get you
all the pussy you want in the afterlife."
876
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:31,893
And his attendants were like,
"We got you."
877
00:54:32,727 --> 00:54:36,398
"I just need a few more hours to get in
the union so I can get my medical."
878
00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:39,776
But Pizarro cuts them off.
879
00:54:39,859 --> 00:54:41,903
[imitates horse neigh]
880
00:54:42,487 --> 00:54:44,155
"Savage, your end is near.
881
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:47,450
Now put down your king
or I'll slice your arms off."
882
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:50,287
"You kiss my brown ass.
I ain't putting nobody down.
883
00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:51,871
Oh, shit, he got me!
884
00:54:51,955 --> 00:54:53,915
Don't drop the king.
Don't drop the king.
885
00:54:53,999 --> 00:54:55,834
Come at me, Pizarro.
I don't need my arm.
886
00:54:55,917 --> 00:54:58,461
I'll kick the fuck outta you.
I'll kick the fuck outta you."
887
00:54:59,170 --> 00:55:00,505
"Savage, I'm warning you.
888
00:55:00,588 --> 00:55:03,800
Put down the king,
or I'll slice your legs off."
889
00:55:03,883 --> 00:55:07,846
"Hells to the no, bitch.
What you gonna do? Shit, what you gonna--
890
00:55:07,929 --> 00:55:09,097
Oh, shit, he got me!
891
00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:11,891
Oh, fuck! Don't drop the king.
Don't drop--
892
00:55:11,975 --> 00:55:14,769
Come at me, Pizarro.
I'll bite the shit outta you. Come here."
893
00:55:18,815 --> 00:55:21,234
"All right, savage. Last chance.
894
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:24,029
Put down your king,
or I'll slice your head off."
895
00:55:24,654 --> 00:55:28,450
"What part of 'fuck, no'
do you seem not to understand?
896
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:32,704
Oh, shit, he got me!
Don't drop the king. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck."
897
00:55:33,788 --> 00:55:35,457
[gurgles]
898
00:55:41,212 --> 00:55:45,383
Yo, those Incas had your back, bruh bruh.
899
00:55:45,842 --> 00:55:48,928
They would not drop their man,
even if their life depended on it.
900
00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:51,431
That's fucking loyalty, yo.
901
00:55:51,514 --> 00:55:54,267
Why do you think Monty Python
stole that bit from them? Huh?
902
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:01,983
And that's how the Spaniards won.
903
00:56:07,113 --> 00:56:10,533
This one really broke my heart,
because here was our history,
904
00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:14,204
here was the foundation
of a brown race, of a Latin people,
905
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:18,625
with our own James Joyces
and Dostoevskys and Prousts,
906
00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:23,296
who lived deep in the Latin past
where we authored mythology,
907
00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:26,549
pioneered in math and astronomy,
excelled in sport,
908
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:28,676
built aqueducts and pyramids
909
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:34,432
that put us on the same level
as all other great civilizations.
910
00:56:35,975 --> 00:56:36,976
But now…
911
00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:40,146
now just completely obliterated.
912
00:56:41,731 --> 00:56:43,983
So I didn't know how to deal with that.
913
00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:46,903
I didn't know how I was gonna
face my son with that one.
914
00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:51,324
And, uh… then I get a text from my wife.
915
00:56:52,367 --> 00:56:55,787
"John, meet me
at the headmaster's office."
916
00:56:55,870 --> 00:56:56,788
"Oh, shit."
917
00:56:56,871 --> 00:57:00,417
So, I get to the headmaster -
that's principal to y'all -
918
00:57:01,376 --> 00:57:05,797
and he's all like, "John,
I just received an anonymous video
919
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:09,467
of your son
punching another student in the face."
920
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:12,470
"I'm sorry, but that can't be right
because you know what?
921
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,515
My son's actually the one being bullied."
922
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:19,144
"Well, John, the video suggests otherwise.
923
00:57:19,227 --> 00:57:21,020
I don't know what's going on at home,
924
00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:25,150
but your son's grades have taken
a terrible nosedive, as of late.
925
00:57:25,233 --> 00:57:29,320
And he might not pass this semester.
But don't worry about it right now, John.
926
00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:32,699
We're gonna revisit this
after his probation."
927
00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:37,787
"Probation? What are you talking about?
You're putting my son on probation?
928
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,790
Come on, man. My son was obviously set up.
929
00:57:40,874 --> 00:57:42,709
What are we talking about here?
930
00:57:42,792 --> 00:57:45,211
Is this because the bully's family
paid for the library?
931
00:57:45,295 --> 00:57:48,256
Is that what we're really talking about?
Why you gotta do me like that?
932
00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:50,842
You know me, huh? You know me?
Huh? You know me?
933
00:57:50,925 --> 00:57:53,511
Hey, hey, hey, get off me, man.
934
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,346
Get off me."
935
00:57:57,932 --> 00:58:00,935
So I'm escorted out
of the headmaster's office…
936
00:58:02,979 --> 00:58:05,398
and on the walk of shame home
with my wife and my son,
937
00:58:05,482 --> 00:58:07,525
I'm all like, "Honey, I'm sorry.
938
00:58:07,609 --> 00:58:11,863
Come on, I lost my head.
Come on, I said I was sorry, didn't I?
939
00:58:11,946 --> 00:58:14,949
Buddy, honey,
what the hell really happened, man?"
940
00:58:15,033 --> 00:58:19,787
"Dad, the bully kept yelling and yelling,
'That's why nobody likes you.
941
00:58:19,871 --> 00:58:24,292
Nobody likes you
'cause your dad's a celebritard.'
942
00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:26,794
So I punched him, Dad.
943
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:30,548
I punched him,
and that's when they filmed me, Dad."
944
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:32,550
"Oh, come on, Buddy. Come on, man.
945
00:58:32,634 --> 00:58:36,012
You know better than that.
Honey, I didn't tell him to do that."
946
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:40,266
"But, Dad, I sucker-punched him
just like you told me."
947
00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:46,022
"And what,
now I don't pass your hero test?"
948
00:58:49,025 --> 00:58:52,111
"Well, screw you and your stupid test!"
949
00:58:55,573 --> 00:58:56,783
And my wife's all like…
950
00:59:03,873 --> 00:59:06,584
"Oh, I hope you're happy, John."
951
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:11,256
"I hope you're happy."
952
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:16,594
"Encouraging this violent type of behavior
in my home."
953
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:19,389
"What's wrong with you?"
954
00:59:20,181 --> 00:59:21,599
"And, Buddy, honey,
955
00:59:21,683 --> 00:59:26,980
you don't owe anyone
any explanations for your flaws, okay?
956
00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:29,274
Because nobody's born perfect.
957
00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:33,194
So you tell that bully
that if he's gonna pick on you again,
958
00:59:33,278 --> 00:59:35,863
he better damn well be perfect.
959
00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,658
Otherwise, just let you be."
960
00:59:39,742 --> 00:59:40,743
"Okay?"
961
00:59:41,411 --> 00:59:43,997
"Let's go get you dinner.
John, we'll see you at home."
962
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:45,957
"What are you talking about?
I wanna come, too."
963
00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:49,252
"No, Dad, no.
You only make things worse, Dad."
964
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:53,506
So I was back in therapy…
965
00:59:57,427 --> 01:00:00,597
"John, let's go a little deeper
into your subconscious.
966
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:04,267
We're gonna go-- We're gonna do
a little word-association exercise.
967
01:00:04,350 --> 01:00:05,977
I'm gonna say a word or phrase,
968
01:00:06,060 --> 01:00:08,646
you say the first thing
that comes into your mind."
969
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:09,731
"Titties."
970
01:00:09,814 --> 01:00:11,733
[laughter]
971
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:17,947
"Uh, no, John.
No, uh, we hadn't started yet, John."
972
01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:23,077
"How about proper nouns?
Let's try proper nouns. Here we go again.
973
01:00:23,161 --> 01:00:24,454
Uh, success."
974
01:00:24,537 --> 01:00:27,123
"Oh, oh, oh, um, Mark Zuckerberg."
975
01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:28,249
"Genius."
976
01:00:28,333 --> 01:00:31,502
"That's a hard one, man.
That's a tough fucking-- um, Steve Jobs?"
977
01:00:32,003 --> 01:00:35,089
-"Legend."
-"Uh, Billy Joel."
978
01:00:35,173 --> 01:00:37,550
"But, John, what about Marc Anthony?"
979
01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:41,137
[unenthused] "Yeah. Yeah."
980
01:00:41,888 --> 01:00:44,223
"John, what about solo performers?"
981
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:47,101
"Dude, it's gotta be Spalding Gray.
He's the godfather."
982
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:50,813
"But, John, do you see
the pattern here, John?"
983
01:00:51,606 --> 01:00:54,400
"Shit, Doc, you're right. You're right.
I'm brainwashed.
984
01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:57,945
No, worse. I'm whitewashed.
I can't believe they got me, man."
985
01:00:58,988 --> 01:01:02,075
"I can't believe they got me
in my own mind, in my deepest places.
986
01:01:02,158 --> 01:01:04,869
They got me believing
white people are better than me.
987
01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:08,206
Fuck. Where the fuck
did that shit come from?"
988
01:01:08,289 --> 01:01:11,626
"John, other than history textbooks,
movies, television, and newspapers,
989
01:01:11,709 --> 01:01:12,835
I really don't know."
990
01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:18,174
"But, John, as a client of mine,
who shall remain nameless,
991
01:01:18,257 --> 01:01:20,468
because, well, he's a political figure…"
992
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:25,473
"All right, let's say he ran for mayor,
and a dick pic was his undoing."
993
01:01:26,891 --> 01:01:31,771
"Well, he tells me that there's this
conference in Texas on diversity.
994
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:34,148
Maybe you can go there
and give the Latino point of view
995
01:01:34,232 --> 01:01:36,025
and reaffirm your Latino-centricness."
996
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:37,527
"Well, thank you, Doc.
997
01:01:37,610 --> 01:01:41,989
But didn't you just violate
some doctor-patient confidentiality, man?
998
01:01:42,073 --> 01:01:44,033
What do you say behind my back?"
999
01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:47,286
"Oh, John, look at the time.
That's all the time we have for today."
1000
01:01:47,870 --> 01:01:52,500
"Same time next week? Oh, no, John.
I had an emergency next week,
1001
01:01:52,583 --> 01:01:56,337
and I had to give your spot
the following week to Anthony Weiner."
1002
01:02:00,258 --> 01:02:01,259
So…
1003
01:02:03,219 --> 01:02:04,679
I leave my therapist's office,
1004
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:07,598
and I sign up
for this conference in Texas.
1005
01:02:07,682 --> 01:02:11,561
And I had a bad feeling about it.
Mostly because it was in Texas.
1006
01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:17,024
And the date comes,
and I fly myself all the way to Dallas,
1007
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:18,025
and there I am,
1008
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:21,487
trying to stay away from
the alcohol in the green room.
1009
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:22,989
Thank you, I'll have another.
1010
01:02:24,031 --> 01:02:26,701
Mm. 'Cause, yo, I never drink, man.
I don't drink, no,
1011
01:02:26,784 --> 01:02:29,579
'cause I'm always afraid
that all the ghetto shit inside of me
1012
01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:32,039
is gonna come pouring out of me
one of these days.
1013
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:36,711
You know what I'm talking about.
Thank you. I'll have a double.
1014
01:02:39,046 --> 01:02:43,009
But I was nervous as fuck,
and they call us out on the stage,
1015
01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:46,846
and this moderator, this Texan guy,
just rips right into me.
1016
01:02:46,929 --> 01:02:50,558
He's like, "Ah, Mr. Liquidzamo."
1017
01:02:51,434 --> 01:02:56,105
"I'm intrigued by this niche history
of Latin America
1018
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:57,857
you're telling us about,
1019
01:02:57,940 --> 01:03:02,612
but you're an outsider and a foreigner,
1020
01:03:02,695 --> 01:03:07,992
and your comments are a direct attack
on American exceptionalism,
1021
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:14,540
so I-I'm-I'm gonna have to agree with
Senator Thom Tillis of North Carolina
1022
01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:20,213
when he says that Hispanics and Blacks
are not traditional Americans."
1023
01:03:21,839 --> 01:03:22,757
And boom.
1024
01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:25,384
The alcohol hits me.
1025
01:03:25,468 --> 01:03:26,803
[cheering and applause]
1026
01:03:30,723 --> 01:03:33,392
"Niche history, motherfucker?"
1027
01:03:34,727 --> 01:03:38,481
"Exceptionalism, you honky-ass cracker?"
1028
01:03:39,607 --> 01:03:43,152
"You best, uh,
you best back the fuck up…
1029
01:03:44,028 --> 01:03:47,573
with your jingoistical, xenophobic,
1030
01:03:47,657 --> 01:03:49,450
inaccurate bullshit,
1031
01:03:49,534 --> 01:03:52,370
'cause you seriously
talking out the side of your mouth,
1032
01:03:52,453 --> 01:03:54,622
you punk-ass bitch!"
1033
01:03:59,627 --> 01:04:03,506
Because the establishment
of these here United States
1034
01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:05,633
was only made possible
1035
01:04:05,716 --> 01:04:10,805
through one of the most comprehensive
campaigns of ethnic cleansing
1036
01:04:10,888 --> 01:04:12,431
that the world has ever known.
1037
01:04:12,515 --> 01:04:15,768
Am I getting through to you now,
motherfucker? Do you know me?
1038
01:04:15,852 --> 01:04:17,979
Huh? You know me? You know me?"
1039
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,819
Of course,
the Texas crowd was not like you.
1040
01:04:26,195 --> 01:04:28,447
Oh, no, yo. They turned on me, man.
1041
01:04:28,531 --> 01:04:30,616
They started booing the shit outta me.
1042
01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:35,538
But when I retold the story to my son,
I cleverly left out that booing part.
1043
01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:39,542
"Buddy, honey, promise me, man,
you're never gonna lose your shit,
1044
01:04:39,625 --> 01:04:41,711
especially in an argument, my man.
1045
01:04:41,794 --> 01:04:43,629
Especially if you're a person of color,
1046
01:04:43,713 --> 01:04:49,135
because then nobody hears the content
of what you're trying to say. Okay?"
1047
01:04:50,094 --> 01:04:54,891
Because what I should have said,
calmly and coolly and collected
1048
01:04:54,974 --> 01:05:00,354
to Mr. Texas, to Mr. Moderator,
was, "Sir, I'm not an outsider, sir.
1049
01:05:00,438 --> 01:05:02,857
Sir, we are not foreigners. No, sir.
1050
01:05:02,940 --> 01:05:07,069
We are a vast network of tribes
that commingled,
1051
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:11,657
co-habitated,
and freely migrated north, central,
1052
01:05:11,741 --> 01:05:14,327
south, Caribbean and Mexican Indians,
1053
01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:17,705
and we is all the same blood."
1054
01:05:19,332 --> 01:05:22,084
[cheering and applause]
1055
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:24,754
Yo…
1056
01:05:26,797 --> 01:05:32,094
Yo, we were so interconnected, man,
that when I had my DNA done,
1057
01:05:32,178 --> 01:05:34,889
they couldn't tell me
which specific tribe I was from.
1058
01:05:34,972 --> 01:05:41,562
And when I got my results back,
all it said was "Native American."
1059
01:05:41,646 --> 01:05:44,148
-[woman] Oh, yeah.
-[applause]
1060
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:49,862
It also showed that I had a STD
in high school, but that's another story.
1061
01:05:52,156 --> 01:05:54,325
You didn't have an STD
back in high school?
1062
01:05:55,326 --> 01:05:56,869
What, you weren't popular?
1063
01:06:03,542 --> 01:06:05,378
I haven't forgotten about you, either.
1064
01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:10,466
So, it was November by now,
1065
01:06:10,549 --> 01:06:13,094
and it was Thanksgiving.
I'm waiting for the meal.
1066
01:06:13,177 --> 01:06:17,056
I'm waiting, and then finally my poor wife
comes down, all meshuggana.
1067
01:06:18,766 --> 01:06:21,143
And she's like, "John,
Buddy's not coming down.
1068
01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:24,230
No, the bully turned the whole grade
on him, against him,
1069
01:06:24,313 --> 01:06:27,358
and… I don't even know
what else to do anymore."
1070
01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:31,696
"Well, let me go talk to him.
Maybe I'll have better luck. Who knows?"
1071
01:06:37,159 --> 01:06:38,160
[pounds foot]
1072
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:41,956
"Hey, Buddy. Honey, what do you say
we go for a little walk?
1073
01:06:42,039 --> 01:06:43,958
I wanna share something with you."
1074
01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:48,004
"No, Dad. No, go away.
Just leave me alone, Dad.
1075
01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:51,549
I wish I were dead. Just leave me alone!"
1076
01:06:51,632 --> 01:06:54,301
"Oh, honey. Buddy, look, man.
1077
01:06:54,385 --> 01:06:56,637
I know what you're going through,
I really do."
1078
01:06:57,179 --> 01:06:59,098
And my daughter comes over to me,
1079
01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:01,183
and let me tell you something
about my daughter.
1080
01:07:01,267 --> 01:07:04,645
She always has her headphones on
and is always texting,
1081
01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:08,190
but somehow manages to know
everything that's going on in the house.
1082
01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:09,316
And she's all like…
1083
01:07:11,235 --> 01:07:14,447
[whispers] "Dad, Dad, let me help.
Please let me help, Dad."
1084
01:07:14,530 --> 01:07:18,826
"Please, please, let me try, let me try,
please, please, please, please."
1085
01:07:20,161 --> 01:07:22,163
"Okay, go ahead. Go ahead."
1086
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:25,249
"All right, go ahead."
1087
01:07:27,918 --> 01:07:29,420
[taps foot]
1088
01:07:29,503 --> 01:07:34,008
"Buddy? Did you know that Dad
got booed by all of Texas?"
1089
01:07:37,261 --> 01:07:39,972
"Do you wanna see it?
I have it here on YouTube."
1090
01:07:44,351 --> 01:07:46,437
"And, Buddy, you know what?
1091
01:07:46,520 --> 01:07:50,274
If you really think of the bully
as sandpaper,
1092
01:07:50,357 --> 01:07:53,444
sure, of course it's gonna
scratch you and hurt you,
1093
01:07:53,527 --> 01:07:56,655
but in the end, he's gonna end up useless,
1094
01:07:56,739 --> 01:07:58,949
and you're gonna end up polished."
1095
01:08:02,411 --> 01:08:04,413
[laughter]
1096
01:08:06,040 --> 01:08:08,709
Wow. Wow.
1097
01:08:10,961 --> 01:08:13,631
"Buddy, honey, you know what?
She's not wrong, man."
1098
01:08:14,548 --> 01:08:16,634
"No, she's not wrong
because you know what?
1099
01:08:16,717 --> 01:08:19,929
People… are gonna try to hurt us
with their words, man,
1100
01:08:20,012 --> 01:08:24,892
because some people are unhappy,
and unhappy people don't like themselves,
1101
01:08:24,975 --> 01:08:28,646
and they want everybody else
to feel as shitty as they do.
1102
01:08:28,729 --> 01:08:32,817
You know what? Bet they don't have
the guts to admit this to themselves."
1103
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:38,989
"Dad. Dad, do you not
like yourself sometimes, too?"
1104
01:08:41,951 --> 01:08:45,454
"Oh, honey. I only have the guts
to admit it to you."
1105
01:08:47,540 --> 01:08:50,334
"Hey, what do you say we go down
for Thanksgiving together?
1106
01:08:50,417 --> 01:08:53,796
We got a lot to be thankful for this year.
Open up the door for me, man."
1107
01:08:54,421 --> 01:08:58,634
"Buddy, open the door, come on.
Come on, man. Come on, open the door."
1108
01:09:00,344 --> 01:09:03,430
"All right, I'm just curious,
where are we with the heroes project?"
1109
01:09:04,014 --> 01:09:05,349
"No, you're not gonna tell me?
1110
01:09:05,432 --> 01:09:07,935
What do you say
we open up the history textbook,
1111
01:09:08,018 --> 01:09:10,396
and you and I look up
what Horace Greeley said?
1112
01:09:10,479 --> 01:09:13,107
Come on, man. That could be a lot of fun."
1113
01:09:13,983 --> 01:09:15,568
Can anybody here help me?
1114
01:09:15,651 --> 01:09:18,279
For extra credit,
what did Horace Greeley say? Anybody.
1115
01:09:18,362 --> 01:09:20,823
-[woman, indistinct]
-That's right, ma'am.
1116
01:09:20,906 --> 01:09:24,076
That's right. Horace Greeley
1117
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:25,703
was the asshole…
1118
01:09:26,996 --> 01:09:29,165
who said, "Go West, young man."
1119
01:09:29,248 --> 01:09:31,417
But he should've never said that shit.
1120
01:09:31,542 --> 01:09:34,420
Because those
"real" illegal-alien pioneers
1121
01:09:34,503 --> 01:09:36,380
wouldn't stop fucking coming here.
1122
01:09:36,463 --> 01:09:39,383
I'm talking about the D-list
of white folks, so no offense.
1123
01:09:40,092 --> 01:09:41,468
The real OGs.
1124
01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:45,431
Crooks, murderers and rapists,
all out of the jails of Europe.
1125
01:09:45,514 --> 01:09:49,435
Even Alexander de Tocqueville,
my favorite French philosopher,
1126
01:09:49,518 --> 01:09:55,733
from the 1800s, had to address Congress
about these fucking pioneers.
1127
01:09:55,816 --> 01:09:57,568
And he says to them,
1128
01:09:57,651 --> 01:10:01,655
[French accent]
"I don't know how you people do it."
1129
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:09,038
"You Americans
are so good at exterminating Indians.
1130
01:10:09,121 --> 01:10:12,708
Not even the Spanish are as good as you.
1131
01:10:12,791 --> 01:10:18,380
And you like to do it so much.
How do you do it?"
1132
01:10:21,592 --> 01:10:24,345
I must've got to my son
'cause he cracks the door, he's like…
1133
01:10:24,428 --> 01:10:25,304
[creaks]
1134
01:10:25,387 --> 01:10:29,600
"Dad, how could our Indian forefathers
have been so stupid, Dad?
1135
01:10:29,683 --> 01:10:32,853
How could they have not seen
that extermination coming, Dad?"
1136
01:10:32,937 --> 01:10:35,981
"Oh, Buddy, honey,
because it's been proven
1137
01:10:36,065 --> 01:10:41,528
that it's historically impossible to see
this kind of annihilation coming, man.
1138
01:10:41,612 --> 01:10:46,408
Because, Buddy, even our Cherokee people
1139
01:10:46,492 --> 01:10:49,495
were bushwhacked
by bloody Andrew Jackson."
1140
01:10:52,289 --> 01:10:54,291
[laughter]
1141
01:11:01,090 --> 01:11:04,969
And our seventh president
proclamates to the Cherokee people,
1142
01:11:05,052 --> 01:11:08,639
[Southern accent]
'Now listen here, Chief Crybaby."
1143
01:11:09,265 --> 01:11:13,519
"You and your papooses
can remain on this land
1144
01:11:13,602 --> 01:11:17,648
so long as you live by our laws.
1145
01:11:17,731 --> 01:11:19,775
So from now on, there gonna be
1146
01:11:19,858 --> 01:11:24,363
just a few new laws just for all y'all.'"
1147
01:11:25,906 --> 01:11:27,992
[imitates gun cylinder spinning]
1148
01:11:29,451 --> 01:11:31,412
I know. I look more
like Frederick Douglass
1149
01:11:31,495 --> 01:11:32,788
than I do Andrew Jackson.
1150
01:11:35,082 --> 01:11:38,252
But I'd rather look like Freddy than Andy
any old-fucking-day.
1151
01:11:43,590 --> 01:11:47,011
Especially after you learn
that those poor tribes
1152
01:11:47,094 --> 01:11:49,722
actually tried to live
according to those strict laws
1153
01:11:49,805 --> 01:11:52,391
of Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act,
1154
01:11:52,474 --> 01:11:54,977
which is so twisted and hypocritical, man,
1155
01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:58,272
because Ben Franklin
and the Founding Fathers
1156
01:11:58,355 --> 01:12:01,942
plagiarized
the Iroquois nation's constitution
1157
01:12:02,026 --> 01:12:04,361
to create our Constitution,
1158
01:12:04,445 --> 01:12:06,864
because of the great freedoms
and independence
1159
01:12:06,947 --> 01:12:10,200
it guaranteed to each individual state.
1160
01:12:10,951 --> 01:12:15,456
And then they go and do it
to us again in the 1930s
1161
01:12:15,539 --> 01:12:18,709
with the "Repatriation Act"
1162
01:12:18,792 --> 01:12:22,713
where they blame Mexican-Americans
for taking jobs during the Depression.
1163
01:12:22,796 --> 01:12:24,048
Sound familiar?
1164
01:12:24,840 --> 01:12:27,134
So President Herbert Hoover
1165
01:12:27,217 --> 01:12:32,139
"repatriates" 500,000 Latin people
1166
01:12:32,222 --> 01:12:34,224
that were born here.
1167
01:12:34,308 --> 01:12:36,977
Those of us that didn't leave
were lynched.
1168
01:12:37,061 --> 01:12:40,439
And between 1830 and 1930,
1169
01:12:40,522 --> 01:12:43,233
600 of us were lynched.
1170
01:12:45,944 --> 01:12:48,614
And now…
they're doing it to us again, man,
1171
01:12:48,697 --> 01:12:51,575
with all these anti-immigration policies.
1172
01:12:51,658 --> 01:12:54,745
Making us so afraid
of being pulled over and profiled
1173
01:12:54,828 --> 01:12:57,664
that we have to pretend
we can't even speak Spanish.
1174
01:12:57,748 --> 01:12:59,750
[gibberish]
1175
01:13:09,927 --> 01:13:13,013
Making us so afraid
of being deported and carted off
1176
01:13:13,097 --> 01:13:15,015
that we have to pretend to be white.
1177
01:13:15,099 --> 01:13:18,060
We have to pretend
we can't even fucking dance.
1178
01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:21,605
"Officer, I always dance like
a frog in a blender.
1179
01:13:21,688 --> 01:13:23,899
I swear to God I love Nickelback."
1180
01:13:23,982 --> 01:13:27,486
Until they play some merengue or a cumbia,
then we're like, "Oh, shit.
1181
01:13:27,569 --> 01:13:31,657
Oh, fuck. No. Motherfucking shit.
No. Oh, shit.
1182
01:13:31,740 --> 01:13:34,451
Fuck. Goddamn son of a bitch.
Motherfucker."
1183
01:13:34,535 --> 01:13:36,537
[dance music playing]
1184
01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:42,960
"Shut it off! Shut it off! Shut it off!"
1185
01:13:45,003 --> 01:13:46,130
-[music stops]
-"Shit."
1186
01:13:46,213 --> 01:13:48,215
[music continues]
1187
01:14:02,062 --> 01:14:03,063
[music stops]
1188
01:14:14,491 --> 01:14:16,535
That shit always gives us away.
1189
01:14:18,454 --> 01:14:20,414
Every fucking time, man.
1190
01:14:22,082 --> 01:14:23,083
So…
1191
01:14:24,209 --> 01:14:29,047
Andrew Jackson passes
his Indian Removal Act of 1830.
1192
01:14:29,131 --> 01:14:33,552
So a third of the Cherokee people
die that winter as they walk -
1193
01:14:33,635 --> 01:14:34,970
together now, everybody -
1194
01:14:35,053 --> 01:14:38,056
the Trail of Tears.
1195
01:14:39,641 --> 01:14:43,061
I know it's a terrible human atrocity,
but can you imagine
1196
01:14:43,145 --> 01:14:46,106
the guilt trip those parents
who survived the Trail of Tears
1197
01:14:46,190 --> 01:14:47,566
could lay on their kids?
1198
01:14:48,066 --> 01:14:50,903
"You wanna hear about hardship,
little Buffalo Dingleberry?"
1199
01:14:51,904 --> 01:14:56,950
"I mean, compared to my childhood,
you don't know how fucking easy you have."
1200
01:14:58,035 --> 01:15:01,288
I don't know about y'all,
but I'm all about a guilt trip, man.
1201
01:15:01,997 --> 01:15:04,041
It's all the leverage
I got left as a parent
1202
01:15:04,166 --> 01:15:05,542
'cause my kids are bugging out
1203
01:15:05,626 --> 01:15:07,794
'cause they want
another iTunes album, video game,
1204
01:15:07,878 --> 01:15:09,630
another pair of ripped jeans.
1205
01:15:09,713 --> 01:15:13,217
And my daughter's wigging,
going, "I hate my life. I hate my life.
1206
01:15:13,300 --> 01:15:15,719
Why'd you bring me into
this world I hate?"
1207
01:15:15,802 --> 01:15:20,474
"Oh, you brat. You brat.
You don't know how easy you have it, man.
1208
01:15:20,557 --> 01:15:25,604
When I was a kid, there was no Internet.
We didn't have iPads or Spotify.
1209
01:15:25,687 --> 01:15:27,564
You wanted to steal music?
1210
01:15:27,648 --> 01:15:29,900
You had to walk to
the goddamn record store
1211
01:15:29,983 --> 01:15:32,236
and shoplift it yourself!"
1212
01:15:38,283 --> 01:15:41,662
Or you had to wait around all day
to tape it off the radio.
1213
01:15:43,705 --> 01:15:48,168
And the DJ usually talked over
the beginning of it
1214
01:15:48,252 --> 01:15:50,837
and fucked it all up!
1215
01:15:53,215 --> 01:15:57,636
And if you wanted to know
the lyrics to a song…
1216
01:15:58,428 --> 01:15:59,888
oh, my fucking God.
1217
01:16:01,640 --> 01:16:04,434
Jesus-fucking-Christ.
Oh, my God, you had to rewind it
1218
01:16:04,518 --> 01:16:07,980
and rewind it and rewind
and rewind and rewind.
1219
01:16:08,772 --> 01:16:12,401
That's why I never knew
that "Rock the cat box"
1220
01:16:12,484 --> 01:16:16,280
"Rock the cat box" was actually
1221
01:16:16,363 --> 01:16:18,907
"Rock the Casbah!"
1222
01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:29,209
As you could see, I was losing my mind.
1223
01:16:30,335 --> 01:16:32,170
Literally losing my mind.
1224
01:16:33,297 --> 01:16:35,674
I think it was because
it was months and months
1225
01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,843
of learning about our losers history
1226
01:16:38,260 --> 01:16:41,263
that I started suffering from
some kind of ancestral PTSD.
1227
01:16:41,346 --> 01:16:42,723
I don't know what the fuck.
1228
01:16:43,432 --> 01:16:45,559
But, yo, when I start
taking it out on my kids,
1229
01:16:45,642 --> 01:16:50,439
that's when I draw the line in the sand,
man, and I was done. Yo, I was done.
1230
01:16:51,189 --> 01:16:52,649
So I waited for spring break
1231
01:16:52,733 --> 01:16:55,110
to break it to my son
that I was quitting on him.
1232
01:16:55,694 --> 01:16:58,447
I get to his room,
and I find him sitting in the dark,
1233
01:16:58,530 --> 01:17:00,490
looking all lonely and sad and,
1234
01:17:00,574 --> 01:17:03,994
"Hey, little man. I want you to know
I'm sorry I failed you, man.
1235
01:17:04,077 --> 01:17:06,788
I'm sorry. I tried to protect you
from all this, and I…
1236
01:17:07,247 --> 01:17:11,460
-And, man, I just…"
-"Dad, don't worry.
1237
01:17:11,543 --> 01:17:15,505
Don't worry, Dad, 'cause I realized
that a lot of the kids in my grade
1238
01:17:15,589 --> 01:17:18,592
are just… just never gonna like me, Dad.
1239
01:17:18,675 --> 01:17:23,013
But I also realized that
I highly don't give a fuck."
1240
01:17:23,096 --> 01:17:25,432
[applause]
1241
01:17:29,394 --> 01:17:32,814
"So, Dad, I'm gonna focus on
my heroes project
1242
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:35,233
so I could graduate
and get the hell outta this school
1243
01:17:35,317 --> 01:17:39,613
but, Dad, Dad. Wait, Dad.
I wanna do my project on something
1244
01:17:39,696 --> 01:17:43,825
-that no one has ever done, Dad."
-"All right, Buddy. All right, honey.
1245
01:17:43,909 --> 01:17:46,453
It's gonna be our secret mission,
you and me, okay?
1246
01:17:47,287 --> 01:17:52,417
Oh, shit, dude, I got it. Buddy,
I got the thing that no one's ever done.
1247
01:17:52,501 --> 01:17:55,545
My God, this is gonna rock your world,
because you know what?
1248
01:17:55,629 --> 01:17:56,880
It rocked my world.
1249
01:17:56,963 --> 01:18:00,008
When I found out that we Latin people
1250
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:05,138
had participated in the Civil War, Buddy."
1251
01:18:05,806 --> 01:18:09,142
"Tell that to the goddamn bully,
because 20,000 of us Latinos
1252
01:18:09,226 --> 01:18:11,311
fought in the North and the South."
1253
01:18:11,395 --> 01:18:13,855
I know. We'll go wherever they pay us,
you know how we do.
1254
01:18:16,483 --> 01:18:19,695
"Buddy, we had all these officers who got
Medals of Honor from Abraham Lincoln.
1255
01:18:19,778 --> 01:18:22,447
We had navy officer
Philip Bazaar from Chile.
1256
01:18:22,531 --> 01:18:24,533
In Puerto Rico,
Lieutenant Augusto Rodríguez.
1257
01:18:24,616 --> 01:18:27,119
This is gonna blow your mind,
because you know what?
1258
01:18:27,202 --> 01:18:30,747
It blew my mind when I found out
that we Latin people
1259
01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:35,252
had helped out in the American Revolution.
1260
01:18:35,335 --> 01:18:38,755
Ten thousand unknown
Latino patriots fought
1261
01:18:38,839 --> 01:18:41,341
out of a total of 80,000 American troops.
1262
01:18:41,425 --> 01:18:44,845
That's one out of eight.
And some of us were generals.
1263
01:18:44,928 --> 01:18:50,016
And women, Cuban women in Virginia
sold their jewelry,
1264
01:18:50,100 --> 01:18:52,185
their hoop earrings
and their door knockers…
1265
01:18:54,146 --> 01:18:56,064
to feed the patriots.
1266
01:18:56,148 --> 01:18:59,484
But the illest Latin hero I found for you
1267
01:18:59,568 --> 01:19:03,780
was this General Bernardo Gálvez.
1268
01:19:04,489 --> 01:19:08,577
And this guy organized
a militia of misfits, an army of outcasts.
1269
01:19:08,660 --> 01:19:10,370
They were like the Mets of armies.
1270
01:19:10,454 --> 01:19:12,914
Three thousand Puerto Ricans,
Cubans, Mexicans,
1271
01:19:12,998 --> 01:19:14,875
Native Americans, and freed slaves,
1272
01:19:14,958 --> 01:19:19,755
and they kicked the British all out
of Louisiana, Mississippi and Pensacola,
1273
01:19:19,838 --> 01:19:22,382
so the British couldn't attack
the New England Patriots.
1274
01:19:22,466 --> 01:19:24,050
And then this homie
1275
01:19:24,134 --> 01:19:28,305
donates $70,000 worth of weapons
to George Washington.
1276
01:19:28,388 --> 01:19:32,517
So, between the jewelry and the weapons,
we also financed that war.
1277
01:19:32,601 --> 01:19:36,396
So we too are the sons and daughters
of the American Revolution, my man."
1278
01:19:36,480 --> 01:19:39,191
[applause and cheering]
1279
01:19:41,401 --> 01:19:44,613
Out of nowhere my daughter pops out
and rips off her headphones,
1280
01:19:44,696 --> 01:19:46,782
and she's like, "Seriously, Dad?"
1281
01:19:48,116 --> 01:19:49,743
"Seriously?"
1282
01:19:50,243 --> 01:19:55,081
"Like, 95% of what you've been
talking about is all military history.
1283
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:58,084
Only focused entirely around men, Dad.
1284
01:19:58,168 --> 01:20:02,297
What a myopic and compromised
gender-biased view of history, Dad.
1285
01:20:02,380 --> 01:20:05,133
I can't believe you're such a sexist!
1286
01:20:05,217 --> 01:20:07,928
I can't believe I came out of you!"
1287
01:20:13,016 --> 01:20:16,603
And she put on her headphones
and blasted some misogynistic rap song.
1288
01:20:20,273 --> 01:20:23,860
"Buddy, honey, I didn't realize
that I was being unconsciously sexist.
1289
01:20:23,944 --> 01:20:26,404
Dude, I'm gonna
have to revisit all the research,
1290
01:20:26,488 --> 01:20:28,615
but now redo it
from a woman's point of view."
1291
01:20:28,698 --> 01:20:32,077
"No, Dad, no. She's better off
without your help, Dad."
1292
01:20:33,537 --> 01:20:36,957
"And, Dad, you keep throwing
all these random heroes at me, Dad.
1293
01:20:37,040 --> 01:20:38,834
All these war guys."
1294
01:20:38,917 --> 01:20:41,002
"Buddy, come on. Random heroes.
1295
01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:45,340
Don't you know that our history was
systematically cut out of history books?
1296
01:20:45,423 --> 01:20:48,426
How come you don't know that
30,000 of us fought in World War I
1297
01:20:48,510 --> 01:20:53,223
and almost 500,000 of us
sacrificed our lives in World War II?"
1298
01:20:53,306 --> 01:20:56,351
"Well, Dad, I don't care because to me,
1299
01:20:56,434 --> 01:21:01,439
violence is just the worst kind
of communication, Dad. That's why--
1300
01:21:01,606 --> 01:21:02,983
Look, I already got my project
1301
01:21:03,066 --> 01:21:05,819
so please stay out of it
'cause I'm working on it."
1302
01:21:05,902 --> 01:21:09,322
"So you don't like warriors, dude.
I'm cool. That's no biggie, man.
1303
01:21:09,406 --> 01:21:13,285
'Cause I got my secret stash here
that I been saving for you, my man.
1304
01:21:13,368 --> 01:21:15,829
This is my real jam. Political leaders.
1305
01:21:15,912 --> 01:21:18,832
Simon Bolivar, the George Washington
of South America.
1306
01:21:18,915 --> 01:21:22,627
Or how about a civil-rights activist
like Cesar Chavez? Hey, come on."
1307
01:21:23,670 --> 01:21:27,424
"Don't walk out on me.
Don't walk out on me, man.
1308
01:21:27,507 --> 01:21:29,342
You know how hard it is
to find these heroes
1309
01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:32,012
-who were just spics and beaners to them?"
-[door slams]
1310
01:21:39,311 --> 01:21:41,813
I guess he
just didn't want my help anymore.
1311
01:21:43,815 --> 01:21:47,569
But now I had all this information
just stuck in my head, man,
1312
01:21:47,652 --> 01:21:50,155
and it started playing
over and over and over.
1313
01:21:50,864 --> 01:21:53,074
I started feeling like I was going insane.
1314
01:21:53,617 --> 01:21:55,201
And then I find out that
1315
01:21:55,285 --> 01:22:00,165
one in four people in America
suffers from some form of mental illness.
1316
01:22:00,248 --> 01:22:02,459
So think of your three best friends.
1317
01:22:04,377 --> 01:22:06,338
And if they're okay, well, then it's you.
1318
01:22:12,969 --> 01:22:15,388
All right, Latin stats roll call.
Latin stats roll call.
1319
01:22:15,472 --> 01:22:18,850
So we Latin people are
the second-oldest ethnic group in America
1320
01:22:18,934 --> 01:22:20,602
after Native Americans.
1321
01:22:20,685 --> 01:22:23,939
And yet, at 22%, we have
the highest high-school dropout rate
1322
01:22:24,064 --> 01:22:25,982
of any minority in this country.
1323
01:22:26,066 --> 01:22:30,570
And at 32%, we are the most-bullied
ethnic group in the workplace.
1324
01:22:30,695 --> 01:22:35,325
And at 40% of the prison population,
because of this immigration detention,
1325
01:22:35,408 --> 01:22:38,370
we are now
the largest ethnic group in jails.
1326
01:22:39,162 --> 01:22:41,498
And 60% of hate crimes
are perpetrated on us,
1327
01:22:41,581 --> 01:22:43,416
so we've got the record there, too.
1328
01:22:44,042 --> 01:22:49,839
And we're 68 million hardworking,
contributing Americans in this country,
1329
01:22:49,923 --> 01:22:54,761
who have added $2.3 trillion
to the US economy.
1330
01:22:54,844 --> 01:22:56,304
If we were our own country,
1331
01:22:56,388 --> 01:22:58,640
we'd be the eighth-largest economy
in the world.
1332
01:22:58,723 --> 01:23:03,770
And our women are number one
in small-business creations in America,
1333
01:23:03,853 --> 01:23:05,480
at 87%.
1334
01:23:06,022 --> 01:23:09,818
And yet the gatekeepers,
your leaders and your executives,
1335
01:23:09,901 --> 01:23:11,778
are denying us access,
1336
01:23:11,861 --> 01:23:14,447
are denying us a seat at the table,
1337
01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:15,949
and how dare you?
1338
01:23:16,449 --> 01:23:19,577
How dare you?
And that's cultural apartheid.
1339
01:23:19,661 --> 01:23:24,124
When we're 50% of the population
in Los Angeles,
1340
01:23:24,207 --> 01:23:27,210
but less than 3% of the faces
in front of the camera
1341
01:23:27,293 --> 01:23:28,628
or behind the camera,
1342
01:23:28,712 --> 01:23:30,755
that's cultural apartheid.
1343
01:23:31,423 --> 01:23:35,510
When we're equal to whites
in New York City in population size,
1344
01:23:35,593 --> 01:23:41,307
but less than 1% of the stories or staff
at The New York Times,
1345
01:23:41,391 --> 01:23:43,893
at the New York Post, at The New Yorker,
1346
01:23:43,977 --> 01:23:46,855
or any other rag
that has the city on its banner,
1347
01:23:46,938 --> 01:23:48,940
that's cultural apartheid.
1348
01:23:49,524 --> 01:23:50,900
And how dare you,
1349
01:23:51,818 --> 01:23:54,112
when we're so American it hurts?
1350
01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:59,868
Because we're the only ethnic group
that has fought in every single war
1351
01:23:59,951 --> 01:24:01,119
this country's ever had.
1352
01:24:01,202 --> 01:24:07,667
We have shed blood for America
in each and every single one of her wars.
1353
01:24:07,751 --> 01:24:10,837
We're the most decorated minority
1354
01:24:10,920 --> 01:24:14,382
in each and every
single one of those wars.
1355
01:24:15,675 --> 01:24:18,011
But where are our contributions?
1356
01:24:18,094 --> 01:24:20,805
Where are they? Where are they listed,
mentioned or honored?
1357
01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:25,685
Can you imagine, can you imagine
if they were put back into history?
1358
01:24:25,769 --> 01:24:28,396
Written back into history textbooks?
1359
01:24:28,480 --> 01:24:32,233
Can you imagine how America would see us?
1360
01:24:33,651 --> 01:24:36,863
More importantly, can you imagine
how we would see ourselves?
1361
01:24:47,082 --> 01:24:48,750
And then I just fell asleep.
1362
01:24:54,422 --> 01:24:57,801
I don't know how long I'd been asleep,
but it was a long time and…
1363
01:24:58,343 --> 01:25:01,596
all I could think about is,
"God, is my son ever gonna graduate?"
1364
01:25:03,348 --> 01:25:05,600
Oh, God. [mutters]
1365
01:25:12,273 --> 01:25:13,900
[alarm sounds]
1366
01:25:13,983 --> 01:25:16,152
Holy shit. What happened? What? What?
1367
01:25:16,569 --> 01:25:20,073
"John, wake up. John, wake up.
It's Buddy's graduation,
1368
01:25:20,156 --> 01:25:24,244
and, John, Buddy said
he's gonna have a big surprise for us.
1369
01:25:24,327 --> 01:25:27,163
Everybody's waiting for you downstairs.
You're gonna make us late."
1370
01:25:27,247 --> 01:25:30,625
"A surprise, honey? What surprise?
Why didn't anybody tell me?"
1371
01:25:30,708 --> 01:25:33,002
So we race down to the auditorium
1372
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:36,089
for my son's graduation
from middle school.
1373
01:25:36,172 --> 01:25:39,384
-["Pomp and Circumstance" playing]
-That's eighth grade to y'all.
1374
01:25:40,009 --> 01:25:42,220
And my wife and I are so excited, man.
1375
01:25:42,303 --> 01:25:46,391
We're so excited because we never thought
this day was actually gonna come.
1376
01:25:46,474 --> 01:25:51,312
And, um… I go to take my seat
and guess who bogarts it from me.
1377
01:25:51,437 --> 01:25:52,981
The comemierda bully's dad.
1378
01:25:55,316 --> 01:25:57,402
"No, John, you don't get to sit down, no,
1379
01:25:57,485 --> 01:26:00,947
because you were such a grandmother
and went crying to the headmaster.
1380
01:26:01,030 --> 01:26:03,449
Now my son doesn't have a shot
at a good school.
1381
01:26:03,533 --> 01:26:05,743
No, no, thanks a lot.
I really appreciate it.
1382
01:26:05,827 --> 01:26:08,830
Glad I gave to the Financial Aid Fund
because you know what?
1383
01:26:08,913 --> 01:26:11,040
It's really done me a world of good."
1384
01:26:11,583 --> 01:26:14,836
"Excuse me, but it's good to know
you just give for your own benefit.
1385
01:26:14,919 --> 01:26:18,381
And just so you know,
we're not on financial aid.
1386
01:26:18,464 --> 01:26:20,884
Maybe because I'm Latin,
you assume we had to be,
1387
01:26:20,967 --> 01:26:24,804
like it's a rule or something? But, no,
my son got in 'cause he earned it."
1388
01:26:24,888 --> 01:26:27,557
"Unlike some people's kids
who probably benefited from
1389
01:26:27,640 --> 01:26:31,102
some white affirmative-action program
for lazy, privileged white kids,
1390
01:26:31,186 --> 01:26:34,564
as if that demographic could ever
really be underrepresented, huh?"
1391
01:26:35,773 --> 01:26:38,026
"Hey, you wanna step outside?
1392
01:26:38,109 --> 01:26:40,820
You-You-You wanna step outside?"
1393
01:26:40,945 --> 01:26:45,158
"Look, there is nothing I would love more
than to mambo all over your face…"
1394
01:26:46,576 --> 01:26:49,787
but I'm gonna have to
deny myself that pleasure
1395
01:26:49,871 --> 01:26:55,335
because as a wise Puerto Rican, Colombian,
Jewish, Incan, Aztec kid once told me,
1396
01:26:55,418 --> 01:26:59,047
violence is the lowest form
of communication."
1397
01:27:07,931 --> 01:27:09,641
And, bam, I had my comeback.
1398
01:27:10,225 --> 01:27:12,727
I was the father I wanted my son to have.
1399
01:27:14,062 --> 01:27:16,105
My wife just elbows the shit outta me.
1400
01:27:16,189 --> 01:27:20,068
"John, shh! Would you be quiet?
Buddy's about to talk."
1401
01:27:21,194 --> 01:27:22,820
And then at that exact moment,
1402
01:27:22,904 --> 01:27:27,158
I hear them call my son's name out loud.
This was the moment, man.
1403
01:27:27,242 --> 01:27:29,869
This is the moment
I've been dreading my whole life.
1404
01:27:30,495 --> 01:27:33,915
Because I couldn't go up there
with him anymore. I couldn't help him,
1405
01:27:33,998 --> 01:27:36,751
I couldn't fix it for him,
I couldn't save him, I just…
1406
01:27:36,834 --> 01:27:38,002
had to let go.
1407
01:27:39,128 --> 01:27:42,799
"John, shh. Would you be quiet?
Not everything is about you, John."
1408
01:27:44,342 --> 01:27:45,301
"Okay, okay."
1409
01:27:46,344 --> 01:27:49,514
I see my son approaching the podium,
and I couldn't believe it.
1410
01:27:49,597 --> 01:27:52,475
I couldn't believe that that was my boy.
I mean, who was this kid?
1411
01:27:52,558 --> 01:27:56,104
Who was this amazing young man
walking towards the podium?"
1412
01:28:03,403 --> 01:28:04,237
"Um…
1413
01:28:04,862 --> 01:28:07,615
"Um, at the first,
when the headmaster asked me
1414
01:28:07,699 --> 01:28:10,910
to take my hero project
and turn it into this speech,
1415
01:28:11,577 --> 01:28:13,830
I really wasn't prepared but, um…
1416
01:28:14,289 --> 01:28:17,208
then something in the last few weeks
changed for me
1417
01:28:17,959 --> 01:28:23,256
because I learned
from watching my dad heroically fail.
1418
01:28:24,048 --> 01:28:26,009
[laughter]
1419
01:28:27,093 --> 01:28:30,054
"I learned that a hero
doesn't have to win,
1420
01:28:30,138 --> 01:28:34,767
and a hero doesn't have to beat up
an enemy or revenge himself to be a hero."
1421
01:28:36,019 --> 01:28:38,855
"And I also learned we really haven't lost
1422
01:28:38,938 --> 01:28:43,985
because we've taken the worst beating
in history, and we're still here…
1423
01:28:44,861 --> 01:28:49,490
writing, inventing, dancing,
and just not giving up."
1424
01:28:50,783 --> 01:28:54,746
"And, um,
because of a situation that I had,
1425
01:28:54,829 --> 01:28:57,457
I was forced to, um… look inside myself,
1426
01:28:57,540 --> 01:29:03,212
and that's when I saw that in some ways,
I've got lots of heroes in me."
1427
01:29:03,296 --> 01:29:05,757
"Because I am Cesar Chavez,
1428
01:29:05,840 --> 01:29:09,886
and I am Céspedes of the Mets,
even though he's always injured."
1429
01:29:13,222 --> 01:29:14,766
"And I am Menudo."
1430
01:29:14,849 --> 01:29:16,893
[laughter, cheering]
1431
01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:22,190
"And I am Sonia Sotomayor."
1432
01:29:24,317 --> 01:29:28,029
"And I am definitely not Ted Cruz."
1433
01:29:28,112 --> 01:29:30,281
[laughter]
1434
01:29:32,950 --> 01:29:34,702
"But the biggest thing I learned
1435
01:29:34,786 --> 01:29:38,164
while I was, uh,
failing outta school this past year
1436
01:29:38,247 --> 01:29:43,252
was, as one of my fellow classmates
once said to me,
1437
01:29:43,336 --> 01:29:46,172
'You're the king of nothing.'"
1438
01:29:47,131 --> 01:29:52,845
"But if the Mayans
invented the concept of zero…
1439
01:29:52,929 --> 01:29:55,640
then nothing is not nothing.
1440
01:29:55,723 --> 01:29:58,393
And if they can make something
out of nothing…
1441
01:29:59,310 --> 01:30:01,938
then my hero is…
1442
01:30:03,064 --> 01:30:04,107
My…
1443
01:30:04,899 --> 01:30:05,900
hero…
1444
01:30:06,484 --> 01:30:07,485
is…
1445
01:30:08,861 --> 01:30:09,862
me."
1446
01:30:12,323 --> 01:30:14,325
[music playing]
1447
01:30:14,409 --> 01:30:16,244
[cheering and applause]
1448
01:30:23,459 --> 01:30:24,836
Thank you. Thank you.
1449
01:30:24,919 --> 01:30:27,422
["Soy Yo" by Bomba Estereo playing]
1450
01:30:34,637 --> 01:30:35,513
Thank you.